Q&A from Heidi

Q: What kind of advice would you give to those around you trying to comfort you?

A: This is a hard question to answer, but also an important one. What makes it difficult to answer is that at different times, I've needed different things, and it's difficult to predict what I will need in the future.

When we lost Renee, the social worker at the hospital recommended a book to us called Tear Soup. Since then, I've recommended it to several people. I really love this book, and think everyone should read it. It talks about grief in simple and general terms that are easy to understand even for a child. It's also short, so it's easy to get through even for those who aren't the best of readers. And it has pictures!

It's a richly illustrated story about Grandy. Grandy has suffered a loss. Her loss is never described, but it really doesn't matter, because every loss is significant to the one who experiences it. Grandy's grief is compared to making soup. This soup is mostly comprised of her tears. There's a page that shows different friends showing up to "help" Grandy. And another where a friend calls to tell Grandy about her terrible experience. While her friends certainly care about her, and are doing their best to help, what Grandy really needs is her one friend who will sit and listen to Grandy. This one friend is named Midge. Midge listens to Grandy and eats her soup with her. She also helps get Grandy out of the house, but doesn't expect her to get over her loss. She allows Grandy to have her experience and simply supports her through her loss. Midge is the friend that every grieving person needs. At the end of the book, there are lists of things to do if you are the "cook" or a friend of the cook, a child or a male chef. I found these lists online at this site. Here is the one for friends:

If your friend is the one who is making tear soup

~Be there for your friend, even when you don't understand.
~Be a source of comfort by listening, laughing, and crying.
~Stick close to your friend and defend their right to grieve.
~Allow your friend to make mistakes... or at least to grieve differently from the way you would grieve.
~Send flowers. Send money if you know this would help.
~Send cards. The message doesn't need to be long. Just let them know you haven't forgotten them. Send one every few weeks for a while.
~Call your friend. Don't worry about being a bother. Let your friend tell you if they don't want to talk about their loss right now.
~Answering machines and e-mail are great ways to keep in touch, allowing the bereaved person to respond only when they feel up to it.
~Try to anticipate what your friend may need. Bereaved persons sometimes don't know what to ask for.
~Avoid offering easy answers and platitudes. This only invalidates the grief. Be patient. Don't try to rush your friend through their grief.
~Give your friend permission to grieve in front of you. Don't change the subject or tell them not to cry or act uncomfortable when they do cry.
~Ask them questions. But don't tell them how they should feel.
~Invite your friend to attend events together, as you normally would. Let them decide if they don't want to attend.
~Don't assume because your friend is having a good day that it means they are over their loss.
~Be mindful of holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.

All these things have been helpful to me at some point, and I think they are good general rules to follow. Although my pot of soup has gotten closer to being done, I still have a lot of things to get through. I think the thing that helps me best is when people don't assume I am done grieving. Or tell me that I should be. I don't expect people to understand what I continue to experience, but I like to know that people want to understand. I think sometimes people are afraid to ask questions. They are afraid it will be hurtful to remember, but what I've needed is for Renee to be remembered. I have very little proof of her existance here, so it's very important for me to know that someone else does remember her.

Thank You to those who have been brave enough to ask. It has helped me more than you could know!