This Is Hard

Just in case you were wondering.

I am home right now. I drove 4 1/2 hours today so I could see Leonora perform in her first dance recital. Aaron is still in SLC with Isaac. Tomorrow, I will be looking into housing in St George, doing a little food shopping, picking up some Tupperware flyers, and driving back to Salt Lake. I am tired. I feel like I should be saying good night to Isaac. I miss having my husband with me. I was unexpectedly overwhelmed by all the people and noise at the dance recital. I was wondering before it started if I would make it through the whole thing.

But I know that if I had stayed with Isaac and Aaron, I would feel terrible for missing Leonora's recital. I would be missing her and William. I would still be exhausted.

I am glad I got to see Leonora dance.

I feel so torn between here and there. I am really looking forward to having us all together again. I'm sure that will bring it's own challenges, but we should be together. Things are better when we are together.

My miracles

*This is the first chance I've had to blog this. I wrote it on the morning of his second surgery, before we knew he would be having surgery that night.

My children are all miracles.

William was born with stubborn clubbed feet (feet that are bent inward) and a stubborn introverted personality to match it. In spite of-or perhaps because of this personality and physical limitation that he was born with, he walks, runs, plays and fights like every normal 7 year old. What he lacks in physical ability, he more than makes up for in mental ability. he has always been a very bright boy who excells in math and science and has a thirst for knowledge in all areas. His miracle is his lack of disabilities.

Leonora was born perfect. She was like a beautiful porcelin doll. I cannot even begin to count the numorous peoplew who would pause in grocery stores and other public places to tell me how beautiful my baby was and how doll-like she was. Once, an older lady in Walmart nearly ran me over with one of those electric riding carts. She thought that Leonora was a doll in a carseat until she saw Leonora move. She was so shocked, she swerved and nearly collided with my cart! Shortly before her 2nd birthday, Leonora got pneumonia. Our whole family had had the flu, but as the rest of us got better, Leonora continued to worsen. She was admitted to the local hospital and then lifeflighted to Primary Children's Hospital. Her combined hospital stays were a full two weeks. We were so worried for her during that time, but she fought through it and was blessed to avoid more serious srgery to remove a part of her lung. Today she has an incredible amount of energy. Sometimes it drives us all a little crazy, but she is also full of love. Her healing from the pneumonia, her high energy, and her boundless love for all those she meets (and often those she hasn't) are Leonora's miracle.

When we found out that we were expecting another child just after Leonora's 1st birthday, we were exited and happy. I felt this baby's movements earlier and stronger than with either of my previous pregnancies. At about 20 weeks gestation, Aaron and I went to the hospital for the standard, mid-pregnancy ultrasound. This is when most people find out the gender of their baby. It's something moms anticipate and look forward to. For us, it was the first chance to see our baby. Because of our issues with William's feet, clubbed feet was at the top of my list of concerns. Our baby showed no signs of this deformity, but something more serious. She had a cyst at the back of her head, and her body was retaining fluids. Her kidneys had already ceased to function. At or first look at our baby, her time on this Earth was coming to a close. Her heart continued to beat for about 2 1/2 weeks before her sweet spirit returned to Heavenly Father. At about 23 weeks gestation, the doctor induced labor, and out sweet angel was born. Her birth should have been a great time of joy. Instead, it was our greatest loss. It is impossible to explain the sorrow of loosing a child to anyone who hasn't experienced it. I feel it is the greatest blow a parent can experience. Despite this heartache that consumed my life for many months, I feel that our angel, Renee, is a great miracle in my life. Having greater understanding of this sorrow has given me greater empathy when those I know have lost children. It has proven that I can get trhough more than I thought I ever could. It eventually gave me strength. Renee means "reborn." I believe that not only will she be reborn into a new and perfect body fit for such a strong spirit, but her presance in our family has been a sort of familial rebirth. She changed how we function as a family-for the better. I believe she was given that body because she was one of the few spirits who could suport it for that long. Her condition is a common cause for early miscarraiges, so reaching the point of having a fully formed body is unusual. She was a miracle.

About 6 months after we lost Renee, we found that we were expecting again. There were a lot of mixed emotions about that news, but in general, I was happy about it. We had extra tests that we hadn't had before just to give us reassurance that everything was okay. A few months after the 1st anneversary of Renee's birth and death, Isaac was born. He had perfect timing! He was born early (unlike my other children), and easily. I was overcome with joy and relief the first time I held him in my arms. I sobbed and cried and held him close. I didn't want to miss anything about him-the way he looked, sounded, smelled, and the weight of him in my arms. We picked the name Isaac because it means "laughter," and his middle name Nathan (after his two uncles) means "gift." He was our gift of laughter, sunshine, joy, and hope. He continued to live up to his name. I often say he was born smiling. i think I recorded is first responsive smile (one that was made in reaction to my own smile) at about 3 weeks old. As he grew, he developed normally. There was nothing exceptional about when he first walked or said his first word, yet his pleasant deminor, quick smile, beautiful eyes, and adorable dimples, made him exceptional in every way. As soon as he could walk, he became my biggest helper. He always wanted to sweep and vacuum with me and help me with dishes and laundry. With Isaac, house work could even be fun! He has been my biggest miracle. He gave me everything and more than I had lost when Renee's heart stopped beating. My other children have always brought me joy, but giving happiness seemed to be Isaac's life mission.
Today is Monday, March 7th, 2011. We have been in a hospital since I took Isaac to the ER on Friday night. He had lost movement in his right arm and leg. He had been getting over a cold, so it was originally thought that he may have pneumonia, menengitis, or both. When he was getting worse, the doctor decided he needed to be life flighted to Primary Children's Hospital. By the time we arrived at Children's, Isaac had not been moving much at all for sometime. His movement and responsiveness continued to decrease. It was decided that this was a nuerological issue and to find out for sure what was going on, he needed an MRI. They told me it would be about 2 hours for the MRI. About 3 1/2 hours later, he finally returned and I was given bad news. He had an AVM burst (a malformation of blood vessels that causes them to be weak). His AVM was located on his upper spinal cord which is why it caused his immobility. Emergency surgery was done to relieve swelling of his spinal cord. I was told that there was a significant possibility that he could bleed during surgery and that if there were bleeding, there may not be any way to stop it. As a mother who has lost one child, I understood too well what they were telling me. We were told he'd made it through with only minor complications when his heart rate and breathing slowed to extremely low levels. When we recieved the news that he made it through, there was a huge sigh of relief from me and my friends and family present in the room. I felt we had recieved another miracle. Now he lays in bed. He occasionally opens his eyes, turns his head and has had some small movements in his arms. These too are small miracles; however, there is no gaurentee that he will be able to do basic things on his own ever again. Even breathing on his own may never be a possibility. The good news is, he has no brain damage. It is only in his upper spine, which affects all the nerves that control his motor function.
Right now, we are praying for a bigger miracle than we have yet recieved. I deparately want my little boy to be whole again. I know that through God all things are possible if it is in accordance to his plan. I can only hope and pray that is plan and my desires match up. I also know that miracles take faith it takes. Please join your faith and prayers with ours for the recovery of Isaac. Pray for us and his doctors to know how to help him. Pray for us all to have the strength to get trhough this and to accept the outcome-whatever it is. Pray for us to see and accept God's plan for our family. Every prayer and good thought sent our way helps. We are so appreciative of all the love, support, and prayers we have received. They keep us going. Please keep sending them. Thank you so much.


*Since I wrote this, there has been one more surgery to remove the AVM. We have been very blessed to have amazing doctors, nurses, and others to take care of Isaac. He has been more alert. Some days are better than others, but he has smiled and moved his arms more. Today he will have a Tracheotomy to help him breath. He has been on a ventilator with a tube in his mouth, and we are anxious and excited to have this procedure done. hopefully he will be able to start intensive rehabilitation in a few days.

Fun Run!

I have been wishing I had pictures for this post. I should get into the habit of taking my camera with me.

I took the kids to our primary's fun run on Saturday. I wasn't really sure how they would do-especially William, who tends to be slow and often has difficulty running very far. But they were excited about it anyway. Leonora ran first with the other 3 and 4 year-olds. She was not the fastest kid out there, but she made the whole 1/4 mile and only stopped once when her friend fell. She's such a sweetheart-when she wants to be! She had to make sure that Courtney was okay, and then she finished her run. While William's group ran their 1/2 mile, Leonora got her drink and donut. William quickly fell behind the other kids. I wondered if he was going to make it all the way around, but he did great! One of the older kids ran along with him and kept him going. He slowed down toward the end, and was one of the last to finish, but he did it! I was proud of him. Then while I was helping him get his refreshments, Leonora disappeared. I started looking around for her, and realized she had taken off with the third and oldest group of kids. These kids were running a full mile. Of course she didn't keep up with them, but I watched my not-quite-four year old out there trotting along! She ran a full loop around the park-about 1/3 mile-paused briefly to give me the medal that she got for completing her race, and was off again! I cut across the loop and told her that the race was over now and that she could go play on the playground for a little bit. She cracks me up! This child has so much energy! I just don't know what to do with her! There were no special awards besides the medal that each kid got for completing the run, but if there had been, I think William would have gotten the "Slow but steady" award, and Leonora would have to get "The Energizer Bunny" award! heehee!

Teacher appreciation

Next week is teacher appreciation week for kindergarten. This week, they sent home bags for the kids. Each bag had a letter of the alphabet, and the kids were supposed to put in a gift starting with that letter. William got two bags. One was the letter "D" and one was the letter "W." We thought about what to send. A dog? a dinosaur? a donut? finally we settled on daisies. The bags won't be opened until sometime next week, so we opted for the non-wilting type-aka "fake." :) Then we had to come up with a "W" gift. All week, all I could think of was water. I know, not very creative of me. We joked that William starts with "W" and maybe we could put him in the bag! He didn't think that was a good idea though. Finally, we were supposed to turn in the bags today, and neither of us had come up with any good ideas. This morning, we were discussing it again. I suggested writing things (paper, pencils, etc.) or something white, but William wasn't excited about those. Then I had an idea! I asked William if he would like to put in a picture of him holding a thank you note for his teacher. He got excited about that! So after he was ready for school, we took a quick picture, printed it out (with the last of our ink! agh!) and sent him off to school! Hopefully his teacher will like it.

Adversity

Maybe it's because I'm getting older. Maybe I'm just more aware. Maybe there's more heartache in the world today. It seems like everyday I come across more stories of distress, more pain, more grief. I feel like I've experienced my share of all of this, but when I look around and see others struggling with their own hardships, I sometimes think things aren't so bad for me. Maybe it's just that I'm not grieving anymore. I struggle with life's ups and downs like anyone, of course. It's just that now I'm through it, now that the worst things I've had to face are past, my own life seems much brighter. Now I find that most of my tears and worries are for others. Other mothers who have lost babies, the young mother who is now a young widow, illnesses-sometimes terminal-that never care how old or young their victims are, accidents, divorce, and other tragedies seem to be everywhere. Adversity is inescapable. Yet, I am living proof that it doesn't go on forever.

It's not as though I woke up one day and went, "huh, I think I'm all better now! What a great experience that was!" It was all very gradual. One day, I smiled, and thought it felt strange. But it became less strange as the phenomenon repeated itself. Then one day I laughed and remembered what it was like to feel happy. As time went on, I was able to visit with friends and family without constantly thinking of how things could have been different. Then one day I was surprised to discover that I had recovered and that things looked much better, but the change had been so gradual, I could not pick out a moment or day that things were suddenly better.

It was still a little while before I could feel like my own suffering served some purpose. I had faith that it did, but I couldn't even begin to fathom what that purpose was. Even now, I can't claim to fully understand the reasons for my own trials, but I have begun to see some purpose in them. Probably one of the greatest things they have given me is understanding. Sometimes it seems a little crazy to be grateful for understanding someone's suffering, but without that understanding, it is difficult to show compassion. It happens all the time where some well meaning individual makes things worse while trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Understanding leads to compassion. Compassion leads to healing. Healing leads to understanding. There was nothing more comforting to me than to feel that someone understood my pain.

Another comfort to me is that I have always felt that life has a plan. There is nothing that comes our way that doesn't have a purpose. Sometimes the reason is clear, but most of the time, it isn't. So we muddle through as best as we can until we are able to emerge from the fog and see things clearly again. When I think about this, I often think of my son William's surgeries. William was born with a fairly severe case of bi-lateral clubbed feet-meaning both of his feet were bent and turned inward and upward. We tried casting his feet for the first 10 months of his life to see if they could be manually forced to point forward. The casting helped, but not enough. So then there was surgery. He was only 10 months old for his first surgery and 11 months for his second (a follow-up of the first). He quickly healed and forgot those procedures. Two years later, he had another surgery. We knew it would be harder on him than his first two were, but took some comfort in knowing that he at least didn't remember the first time, and would have fewer fears before the operation. He happily went off to the operating room. Of course, the return trip was not so happy. So when he had to have a fourth surgery last spring, we knew it would be tough on him. We explained to him what would happen, and quickly saw his fear in his expression. We tried to reassure him that everything would be okay, and tried to answer his repeated "why's." Ultimately, it was difficult for him to understand our explanations. He couldn't understand that although he could walk, this would help him walk better. And we knew he could run, but this would help him run faster and trip less. His focus was only on the extreme pain and inconvenience of the surgery and subsequent recovery. Of course, we wanted to help make the experience as comfortable as possible, but we knew he was going to have to suffer and that his suffering was necessary for him to be able to improve and grow.

I imagine that this is similar to how Heavenly Father feels as He witnesses our suffering. He knows that the pains we have will help us to grow and change and ultimately bless our lives. Of course He does not wish for us to suffer, but he knows it is necessary for us to progress and improve.

It's still hard for me to view certain trials as a blessing, but I do feel that the things I have learned and the ways I have grown have been blessings. I know that who I am today is directly related to those experiences. It is true-adversity does make us stronger. It makes us kinder. It gives us more perspective and sympathy for those around us. It shapes our lives. So, as I watch those I know struggling through the metamorphic change that adversity brings, I try to help them. I know that they will need help to get through their struggles because we all do! But I also know that ultimately, they will be better for the trouble they experience. They may not know today or tomorrow or even next year what the purpose of their struggles is, but there is a purpose. God may allow us to suffer, but I believe that He does not let us suffer needlessly.

In the month of May...

There has been soooo much going on here this month. It's been crazy. There are a lot of things I'd love to do longer posts about, but I just don't know when I will get a chance. Instead, here's a timeline to show what our month has been like!

On May 3rd, Isaac turned 4 months. He is huge! or at least the muscles in my back and arms tink so!

Of course, the other kids needed a picture too.

On May 4th, we packed up for a little "vacation."

On the way, we stopped at a park to let the kids stretch their legs.

That evening, we arrived at my sister's house. She was kind enough to let me invite some of my college roommates for a little reunion.

The next day, we took the kids to the zoo. William was so excited to see the elephants-until we got a little closer. Then he was scared that they would "get" him and refused to stand where I could get a good picture of him and the elephants. We did get to watch them eat though. It was a lot of fun watching them pick up whole watermelons with their trunks.

William decided he likes giraffes better.

The next day was not as much fun. William had to have surgery on his feet. This was his 4th surgery for clubbed feet. Not so much fun, but he was a real trooper. He spent the night in the hospital and was released the next day. We spent that afternoon and evening visiting some of Aaron's family. They were kind enough let us stay the night. I guess I was too tired to take pictures... We arrived back at home the evening of the 8th.

With everything going on, we had pretty much forgotten Mother's day, but I did buy myself some chocolate dipped strawberries and shared them with my mom. Aaron caught something and spent the day in bed.

Tuesday, May 12th was a fun day! Sort of...

For the fun part, I got my haircut! Whoo hoo! The heat here has been breaking records, and I just couldn't handle it any more. So, here's the before...

And After!

The less fun part of the day was driving for 4 hours because William had to go back to Primary Children's to have his casts changed. We slept at my aunt's house and got up early the next moring to head to the hospital. William was actually pretty good about most of it. He was a bit grumpy about not getting breakfast, but he was getting anethesia and had to have an empty stomach. He was released by noon and we stopped to have lunch with my sister before heading home again.

The following day, May 14th, Isaac had his 4 month check-up. He weighed 17lbs 3.5oz (90%) and is 25 inches tall (50%). He has a rash on his face that I thought was just dry skin, but hadn't been able to clear up. The doctor thinks he is allergic to something that his skin is in contact with. So we will be trying some different laundry soap to see if that helps. Other than that, he is a happy, healthy boy!

Today, May 19th, is Leonora's birthday. Hopfully I'll get a chance to post more about that later!

Summer Haircuts!

Well, it's that time of year. The weather is getting warmer, and my kids needed haircuts, so the other night, (almost) everyone got one! Leonora's ended up being a little shorter than I intended, but she always looks cute anyway. Next was William, who hates the buzzer, but got it for a short summer 'do, and last was Aaron, who just got a trim, and dosn't like me taking pictures of him anyway. Maybe I'll get him later.

Now, I think it's my turn!

Easter Fun

This Easter we had a cold going around our family. And it rained. So our kids missed out on the usual egg hunt at my grandmother's home. Instead, we stayed home and decorated some cookies! First we had to get our suplies together: Frosting, food coloring, knives for spreading, and of course, cookies!



Next, it was time to frost those cookies! William chose blue. Unlike pink, purple, and green, blue is a "Superman" color.



Next we pulled out the sprinkles for a little added decor!



And presto! Easter cookies! Aren't they lovely?

First Impressions

Sunday was the first time we attended our new ward. There were a lot of visitors. We kind of blended in with all the other new faces, but I'm sure we'll atract a little more attention next week.

We arrived on time-quite the feat for our family-and settled in for a mostly enjoyable sacrament meeting. When it was time for Sunday School, the first order of business was finding out which rooms the kids were suposed to be in. I found the primary room and took William in to ask where his room was. One member of the presidency took him off to his class. As I was being led away to the nursery with Leonora, I realized that I hadn't mentioned his name. I hoped to myself that he wouldn't be too shy and would introduce himself. After all, he knows his name! I then repeated Leonora's name two or three times to the nursery leader. She can't say her own name. Incredibly enough, when she tries, it comes out a few syllables too long.

The rest of our meetings went well. Isaac stayed asleep the whole time. I found out that a couple who were in my ward when I was a little girl are in this ward. They have children close to my age and it was fun to catch up a little. It's nice to see someone familiar in a new congregation.

After church, we set off to find our children. Aaron found William and brought him to where I picked up Leonora. They both seemed happy and to have had a good time, and both had colored pictures for us. As we loaded into the car, I looked a little more closely at William's paper. I instantly regretted not introducing him properly!

Happy Birthday to me! and other news

Well, I'm another year older! Ack!! I had a very nice birthday. Aaron and I went out to the movies and dinner and the next day I made a cake. William was a bit distressed that we didn't have any on my birthday.

I've been waiting to post because I wanted to let you all know that we did get aproved for the new apartment! I found out this morning, and that's probably the most exciting (late) birthday present! :) We'll be siging the lease and getting keys on the 13th!

Another fun tidbit is that we openned savings accounts for each of the kids last week! William has been very busy finding ways to help out around the house and earn some pennies. I'm hoping that he'll keep it up and be helpful while we are packing up to move!

Visit to the midwife

Hi Everyone! We're went somewhere very important today! Mom took along the camera to document our experience. Here we are all ready to go to Mom's midwife appointment!

We love going to the midwife! She's so nice! Here's her house. We'll have one more appointment here in two weeks and then she'll start coming to our house!

We like her house because she has toys! The coloring books are a big hit with us! We colored while Mom did some other stuff. We don't really know what that's all about, but it gives us some time to have fun before we get down to business!

After Mom talks to the midwife for a few minutes, it's our turns to help! There's this great little squeazy thing that checked Mom's blood pressure. It was 110/70. I guess that's good.

Next came the measuring. Mom's belly sure has gotten big lately! We think our brother must be anxious to see us because he sure has been growing a lot! The midwife says he's about 2 weeks ahead!

Next we listened to his heartbeat. Leonora is our professional button pusher, so that's her job. This machine makes the coolest noises ever!

After that's all over, Mom talks some more to the midwife. They talk a lot, but we get to play some more, so it's okay with us. Then it's time to clean up!

And one final peice of business: trying on the Spiderman mask! Yep, it fits!

How many foots do you have?

This morning, William told me something that is definitely worth recording.

First, he told me that we are all in the same family. We all have the same last name and we have eyes and we all have one feet.

Before correcting him, I asked him to explain. He then told me that two foots is the same as one feet, so we all have one feet. Next he told me that two feet is the same as four foots.

Hmmm... Very clever William!

Trick-or-treating

Hey, kids!

Who? Us?

Trick or Treat!

William's blocks

William has these Duplo blocks that he got one year for his birthday. He makes all kinds of creative things with them. He's made Thomas the train, other un-named trains, animals-his favorite to make is a giraffe, and other things that he would have to explain to you since I don't really understand their functions. I wish I had captured some of his more imaginative creations, but I'm sure there will be more opportunities. For now, here are some of his recent works.



Can you tell what it is? I'll give you a clue: he's obsessed with a certain "Man of Steel." There were several incarnations of this character during the course of a couple days. He happened to build it right where our hallway meets our living room, so it kept getting kicked.

Here's what he did today.


These may be a little harder to figure out, but stems from another of William's current obsesions. Words. He has been playing games from the PBS show, "Word World," online and loves to "build" words. I didn't ask what this word is, but I think it is also related to Superman. He asked if "Krypton" started with a big "K" or a little "k" this morning, so I suspect that is what he was trying to spell.

Edit: William saw my post and said it's the word "Kryptonite," which would explain the "i," "t" at the end.

What we did today

William has this book of Disney stories. A few of the stories have craft ideas that go along with them, and last night, he decided he wanted to make "Under the Sea Pasta Creatures" from the Little Mermaid story. So today we went and got some colorful pasta to make our sea scapes. Here are the results:

William's blue ocean



Leonora's Yellow Sea



And my Pinkish purple ocean



I was trying to draw some fish fins around some of the shell. I'm not sure that they look much like fish though! Leonora helped me with mine.

What a Konfusing language

This morning William asked me what the word "cow" starts with. He knows the sounds that the letters make, so I asked him what he thought cow starts with and repeated the word back to him, emphasizing the first sound. A little while later, he told me that "cow" starts with a "C" and a "K." Hmmm... I tried to explain to him that they both make the same sound, but that "cow" only starts with "C."

I don't think he believed me.

Long post- what my kids are up to

So I realized I've been kind of a slacker with posting about my kids. I have some pictures from Leonora's birthday party that I haven't posted-unfortunately, they will have to wait a little longer. Aaron borrowed my camera for work and hasn't returned it. Probably should have uploaded those pics a while ago, but like I said, I've been kind of a slacker. But I thought maybe I should give you all a little update anyway.
William's been excelling at being 4. I think he's trying to get as much mischief in before his 5th birthday as he possibly can. Last Sunday, Aaron ended up bringing him home from church because he was out running in the hallway when he was supposed to be in primary. I was in nursury and didn't find out until after church. This week he must have done better-at least he wasn't out in the hallway when he wasn't supposed to be. This brings me to one of his favorite things to do-run. I cannot stop this kid from running! He spends half the day running laps up and down the hallway in our appartment. I wish we had a yard to send him out to. Of course, his other favorite thing is still Superman. He talked to his grandpa on the phone yesterday. He told him happy Father's Day, and then spent 20 minutes talking about how Superman can fly, he's strong, he has super-eyes and ears, etc. Funny boy.
Leonora has been potty training. Some days she does really well, others not so well. We are almost out of all pull-up and diapers, but I think I'm going to have to get more for bedtime anyway. When she's awake, she's pretty good, but, so far, a dry night is pretty rare. She also had her 2 year old check up last week. She has gained back all the weight she lost in the hospital and more! She's right at 50% for her height but about 75% for weight. The doctor said we don't have to worry about making her finish everything on her plate. The thing is, it always seems to me like she's hardly eating anything! I hope she's just saving up for her next growth spurt. Oh, and she still has a big head-in the 85th %. She got 4 shots- 2 in each leg-and spent the rest of the day and some of the next crying about her "owies." Poor girl!
Well, I'm sure there are other things I could write about, but those are the "big" things going on right now! Oh-I just remembered-Leonora is also having major issues going to sleep when she should, but that could make for a really long post. I'll have to complain about that later. :)

William's favorite video

Paddy's Day

I hope everyone had a good St Patricks day yesterday! I took a couple of pictures of the kids in their green cloths and thought I'd share. If I knew how to edit photos I could make them look nicer, but here it is anyway!

Some more of William's art

The other day, I was trying to straighten out the kids' room and get things put away where they belong. I picked up this notebook of drawing paper.
The cover was kind of lopsided, and in the proccess of trying to straighten it out, I happened to open it to this page.

William says it's a Superman Flower.