Happy Halloween!

So, I thought that this morning I would spend a little time updating my blog and telling you about the picture of the pumpkins in the title, or whatever that box is called...

We carved pumpkins way too early this year, but there was (I think) a good reason for it. The 16th of October is the day that we found out Renee's heart had stopped beating. It's always good for me to have something to do to remember her on anniversary days like that, so I had decided I wanted to carve a pumpkin for her.

William was very excited about this! He picked what face he wanted from his "Five Little Pumpkins" book.

Leonora seemed excited initially, but got a little bored by the time we got one pumpkin done!

She spent a bit of time collecting leaves instead.

Here we are cleaning out William's pumpkin. The kids did a lot of "ewww"ing at the goo from inside. Aaron has a strong dislike for this part of pumpkin carving, so he was the official photographer. I guess he wanted to be included in the picture though, so there's his foot.

Leonora completely missed the carving of her pumpkin, but came back to see Renee's white pumpkin hallowed out.

She also helped a little with the candles and clean-up!

And here's the final product! Including my nice shadow! The kids sat out on the porch watching the glowing pumpkins until bedtime.

Unfortunately only Leonora's has made it to halloween. I think I might have accidentally gotten a baking pumpkin instead of a carving pumkin for her. It was really difficult to carve, but has lasted longer.

I don't know why, but blogger isn't cooperating very well for the last post I did. It won't put space between some of the paragraphs. I've tried to edit it several times and it just isn't coming out the way I want it to. Frustrating.

Things to remember

This was a q&a, and I had wanted to post it for Renee's birthday, but I'm going to post it now.

Heidi asked what I want to remember about Renee. Sometimes it's hard to be grateful for the time we had with her, knowing that we have and will continue to miss out on so much. But there are things that I want to remember. I guess I will start at the beginning.

I remember how happy Aaron and I both were when we found out that I was pregnant. Aaron's reaction is usually a calm sort of "okay." He doesn't usually get all that excited about a possitive pregnancy test. When I told him it was possitive that time, he got a big grin and got almost a little silly! It was one of those really happy moments.

We both felt really good about having another baby. I can't say that there were no struggles during that time, but overall, it was a good time for our family. There were moments that I worried a little about the baby, but they never lasted long. In retrospect, they all make sense with what was going on with her, but I was happy just to be having a baby, and everything was easy enough to pass off as normal. I was really laid back and just enjoyed the pregnancy. I began feeling her earlier than I had with my others. I'm not sure exactly when, but I think probably somewhere in the 12-15 week range. That's something I wish I had recorded/remembered.

Shortly after we found out that she was having problems, I had a dream about her. It's the only dream I've had about her. I wish I could remember her face more clearly. I imagine that it's what she would have looked like. I do remember her eyes though. They were dark and smiling. She was happy in my dream.

When she was born, she was very small, but very well developed. Her body was swollen because her kidneys had stopped working to expell fluids from her body. There were very few parts of her body that looked the way they should have. But she was all there. Ten fingers, ten toes, as they say. Actually her fingers and toes are some of the most memorable, because they were some of the least swollen. I remember the palm of her hand covered the tip of my index finger. I loved the way her fingers curled down around the tip of my finger. I wish I had a picture or something of her hands, but somehow they got left out. They tried to do hand prints, but she was very delicate and they were only able to get prints of her feet. The hospital gave us a few things in a box for her: a blanket that she had been wrapped in, a card with all her measurments, time of birth, foot prints, and picture of her foot, a little hat that although would be far too small for a full term baby, was huge on her, and a few other things. These objects that she had contact with have been very comforting at times when I want to remember her physical presence.

Renee's memory box and card

I remember the presence I felt during my pregnancy, and the confirmations I've recieved that she will be reunited with our family again someday. She has a strong spirit, and I know she's doing what she needs to. I feel blessed and honored to have her as my daughter and am only sad for the time I haven't gotten to spend with her.

Ultrasound

Yesterday I had what should be my last ultrasound for this pregnancy. This was the follow up ultrasound from the last one to make sure that there wasn't anymore "bright bowel," and everything looks good! We also decided to go ahead and find out the gender, and it's a boy! Yay for boys! :) I had kind of hoped for another girl, but William is quite satisfied. He's been sure for a while that it would be a boy. Aaron and Leonora kept their opinions to themselves! Anyway, here are some pictures! They aren't the greatest quality since I don't have a scanner. These are all pictures of pictures, but hopefully you get the idea!

Look, he's saying hi! Or maybe he's saying, "Stop bugging me!"


Profile
vertical 3-d profile. He's got his left hand up in a salute.
Nice straight foot and leg! We like straight feet after everything with William's clubbed feet.

Happy Birthday Renee

Saturday was Renee's birthday. Things have been really crazy around here lately with dentists, doctors, etc. I intended to post something special on her birthday, but just didn't get a chance last week. Unfortunately, I don't have the time right now either! I've got a midwife appointment and an ultrasound today. But I thought I should at least post something brief about her birthday. We went to the gravesite and talked about her and then had cake and ice cream at my parent's house. I'll post more with pictures later!

Second-hand smoke

My whole apartment smells like cigarette smoke. It started in the bathroom of all places. The bathroom is right in the middle of the apartment and has no windows or doors to the outside. I first noticed it Friday night. I closed the door and left the vent on overnight in hopes it would be better in the morning. Nope. If anything, it was worse. Then I found out that the vent doesn't even go outside. It's re-circulating, so it just blew the air back into the room. Tell me, what is the point of these kind of vents? Can that even be called a vent? I went to my parents house for most of the day yesterday. Someone told me that vinager will get the smell out, so I left a bowl of vinager in the bathroom and once more closed the door. When I got home, it smelled like smoke and vinager, and the rest of my apartment was beginning to smell like an old hotel room. It's just been getting worse. The people who live below me are smokers, so I can only assume it's coming from them, but I don't know how it's getting into my home! I haven't had doors or windows open. It's aweful. I really need to move.

Q&A from Heidi

Q: What kind of advice would you give to those around you trying to comfort you?

A: This is a hard question to answer, but also an important one. What makes it difficult to answer is that at different times, I've needed different things, and it's difficult to predict what I will need in the future.

When we lost Renee, the social worker at the hospital recommended a book to us called Tear Soup. Since then, I've recommended it to several people. I really love this book, and think everyone should read it. It talks about grief in simple and general terms that are easy to understand even for a child. It's also short, so it's easy to get through even for those who aren't the best of readers. And it has pictures!

It's a richly illustrated story about Grandy. Grandy has suffered a loss. Her loss is never described, but it really doesn't matter, because every loss is significant to the one who experiences it. Grandy's grief is compared to making soup. This soup is mostly comprised of her tears. There's a page that shows different friends showing up to "help" Grandy. And another where a friend calls to tell Grandy about her terrible experience. While her friends certainly care about her, and are doing their best to help, what Grandy really needs is her one friend who will sit and listen to Grandy. This one friend is named Midge. Midge listens to Grandy and eats her soup with her. She also helps get Grandy out of the house, but doesn't expect her to get over her loss. She allows Grandy to have her experience and simply supports her through her loss. Midge is the friend that every grieving person needs. At the end of the book, there are lists of things to do if you are the "cook" or a friend of the cook, a child or a male chef. I found these lists online at this site. Here is the one for friends:

If your friend is the one who is making tear soup

~Be there for your friend, even when you don't understand.
~Be a source of comfort by listening, laughing, and crying.
~Stick close to your friend and defend their right to grieve.
~Allow your friend to make mistakes... or at least to grieve differently from the way you would grieve.
~Send flowers. Send money if you know this would help.
~Send cards. The message doesn't need to be long. Just let them know you haven't forgotten them. Send one every few weeks for a while.
~Call your friend. Don't worry about being a bother. Let your friend tell you if they don't want to talk about their loss right now.
~Answering machines and e-mail are great ways to keep in touch, allowing the bereaved person to respond only when they feel up to it.
~Try to anticipate what your friend may need. Bereaved persons sometimes don't know what to ask for.
~Avoid offering easy answers and platitudes. This only invalidates the grief. Be patient. Don't try to rush your friend through their grief.
~Give your friend permission to grieve in front of you. Don't change the subject or tell them not to cry or act uncomfortable when they do cry.
~Ask them questions. But don't tell them how they should feel.
~Invite your friend to attend events together, as you normally would. Let them decide if they don't want to attend.
~Don't assume because your friend is having a good day that it means they are over their loss.
~Be mindful of holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.

All these things have been helpful to me at some point, and I think they are good general rules to follow. Although my pot of soup has gotten closer to being done, I still have a lot of things to get through. I think the thing that helps me best is when people don't assume I am done grieving. Or tell me that I should be. I don't expect people to understand what I continue to experience, but I like to know that people want to understand. I think sometimes people are afraid to ask questions. They are afraid it will be hurtful to remember, but what I've needed is for Renee to be remembered. I have very little proof of her existance here, so it's very important for me to know that someone else does remember her.

Thank You to those who have been brave enough to ask. It has helped me more than you could know!

The next Karate Kid?

I am being kicked rather violently from the inside. I'm not sure what I did to deserve this, but I have a feeling it will be going on a lot over the next 3+ months.

Q&A: Kris's Question

Aaron's aunt Kris (aka "the Clayton Clan") asked this question:

Q: Have you given any thought to the fact that of the two babies that have died in our family (Lund) that they were both in Wayne's family?

A: So, this is an interesting question for me! For those who don't know, Aaron's parents also lost a baby. He would be about a year younger than Aaron and was about the same gestational age as Renee. His name is Nathen. Aaron's mom Jenny had had a lot of bleeding during her pregnancy. I think it was from placental abruption. My understanding is that she was at a lot of risk because of the bleeding, which is why they allowed her to go into labor. Nathen was born live. I asked Aaron and he thought he continued breathing for about 15 minutes. At the time of Renee's birth/death, we did talk with Wayne and Jenny quite a bit about similarities and differences between our two experiences. The timing was almost exactly the same, but the causes were very different. While Jenny's pregnancy had been very difficult and dangerous for her, mine had been one of the least eventful. I had no symptoms of anything being wrong other than measuring a little off. Nathen had no genetic problems. He was born perfect, just too young to survive. Renee had a lot of physical problems which caused her to look different than a normal, healthy baby. Not like she had a third arm or anything, but she was very swollen.

I'm not really sure why it happened the way it did. Maybe it's just conicidence that we both had similar experiences. Or maybe it happened this way so we could empathize with each other. Maybe someone is supposed to learn something. Maybe we're all supposed to learn something different. I've learned we each deal with our own losses very differently. Aaron and I cope differently, as have Wayne and Jenny. Although they cannot make our loss easier, it is nice to know we aren't the only ones who have had to go through this.

Chinese!

One of the things I miss about living in Seattle is the abundance of Asian food. There are a couple Chinese places around here. They are okay, but not really great. There was this amazing place near our last apartment in the Seattle area. I think it was The Golden Dragon or something like that. Anyway, they had the most amazing lemon chicken! And fabulous fried rice and crab rangoons! I really wish I had the recipe for thier lemon sauce. I've never had anything quite like it before or since. It's by far my favorite Chinese dish. No other lemon chicken lives up to it.

While living around such fine Asian food, I learned how to make my own at home. No, it's not that fabulous lemon chicken, it's just regular sweet and sour, but I could make basically the same stuff that every Chinese restaurant makes for a fraction of the price at home. I used to make plain old steamed rice to go with it, but have had a craving for fried rice, so last night, I made sweet and sour chicken and ham fried rice. I meant to take a picture of everyting before we ate it all, but I forgot. Sorry about that. But here's the last of the fried rice.

Ham Fried rice

2 tablespoon vegetable oil

3 cups prepared rice

1 cup cut up ham

2 tablespoons sliced green onion

1 medium carrot, chopped

2 large eggs slightly beaten

3 tablespoons soy sauce

Heat 1 tablespoon oil in 10 inch skillet over medium heat. Cook rice, ham, and vegetables for about 5 minutes, stirring and breaking up rice, until hot. Push rice to side of skillet. Add 1 tablespoon oil to other side. Cook eggs in oil over medium heat, stirring constantly, until eggs are thickened throughout but still moist. Stir eggs into rice mixture. Stir in soy sauce.

The recipe I based mine on also calls for white pepper, but I don't have any, so I always just add a little black pepper. When I have them on hand, I also use peas, peppers, and any other veggies that sound good to me at the time.

As for the sweet and sour, I've found the secret is Tempura batter.

I just followed the directions on the box and it comes out looking basically like this:

The other secret is finding a good sauce. If anyone has a really good recipe for sweet and sour sauce, I'd love to try it. The recipes I've tried never come out the way I like, so we buy it from the store. This is my favorite:

Now I need to learn how to make crab rangoons. Yummy!

25 Weeks

I haven't been very consistant about "belly" pictures, but here's one for you!

Something fun

This is Leonora's Halloween costume. Do you know who she is?

Q&A: a couple of Saskia's questions

Q: What was your first reaction when you found out what happened, did you blame yourself?

A: When we had the first ultrasound, my reaction was a combination of shock and dread, and a need to find out anything I could about my baby's condition. I cried a lot. I had some hope that something could be done for her. I wanted everything to be okay. Renee had what's called Cystic Hygroma. Basically a cyst at the back of her head/neck. This, and that she might have Turner's Syndrom was all the information that we got at the ultrasound. Cysts appear and disappear on baby's heads all the time without any serious consequences, and some Turner's baby's do survive. So I was hopeful. I was able to get a copy of the ultrasound report, and my midwife helped me understand what it was saying. After reading the report, it was a lot more difficult to be hopeful. What I found out was that she also had Hydrops-basically she was retaining water- and very low amniotic fluid. This combination was a sign that her body was shutting down. Her kidneys were not working right, and there were likely to be other issues as well. Even knowing this before hand, it was extremely difficult to hear from the doctor at our next ultrasound that there was no possibility of survival. No one wants to hear that, even if they expect to hear bad news. I cried a lot, prayed a lot, and tried to find out what our options were. It was heartbreaking.

It was about a month after her birth that we found out for certain that it was Turner's Syndrom that had caused her problems. It was the result that we expected. Everything had pointed to Turner's. I still cried. Maybe I was lucky in some ways. Since I know what caused her death, it's much easier not to wonder if there was anything I did to cause it, or anything I should have done to prevent it. Turner's is a random genetic mutation. There's nothing we could have done to cause or prevent it. During some of his particularly depressed times, Aaron has blamed himself, saying that he didn't deserve her, and that's why it happened. I personally don't feel that God works that way. Bad things can happen to good people, and good things can happen to bad people. I've never been into finding someone or something to blame. This is just the way it is. I hope someday to have a clearer understanding of why this happened, what purpose it served, and what I'm supposed to get out of it, but don't feel the need to blame myself or anyone else.

Q&A

I originally got the idea for a Q&A when Heidi emailed me with a question, so I'm going to start with her's. I realized how much easier it is to talk about when I have a specific question, so here it is! Thanks to those who sent questions, please send more! :)

Q: How does it feel to be pregnant again after losing Renee?

A: I've actually had two losses. The first was earlier on. It was my first pregnancy, and I really didn't know what to expect from pregnancy, let alone losing one. I was about 8 weeks when we had that ultrasound which showed no heartbeat. It showed the baby had stopped growing around 5 weeks-barely into pregnancy. Anyway, it was something that was difficult for me. I didn't have anyone that I really felt like I could talk to about it, which is something that probably would have helped a lot. Since it was my first experience with "labor," one of the biggest effects it had on me was being afraid of how actual labor would be. Up until William's birth, I could vividly recall the pain from my miscarriage. I got pregnant with William six months later, and by that time was feeling pretty good about things. I wasn't worried about complications, other than the fear of labor. Somehow, I managed to go through with an unmedicated labor anyway, and when I held William for the first time, I felt completely healed. Those wonderful hormones that erase our memories of childbirth also took away all the pain I had experienced with my miscarraige. I've wondered if William and my first pregnancy were the same spirit. I've never had what I'd consider confirmation of this, but I have thought that maybe it was him.

I feel like Renee's loss has been very different. Before her birth, I remember praying, asking why-a dangerous question, I know, but I was really, just trying to find some purpose in this tragic event. I got my answer. I felt very strongly at the time (and still do) that Renee just needed a body, and that the one she had would serve that purpose. I've had a few people who have suggested that her spirit may come in another body, but I just don't feel that this is the case with her. That body was sufficiant for her. This is something that's bittersweet to me. On one hand, I feel like she is my child and is sealed to me. On the other, it's heartbreaking to know that I will not have the opportunity to see her in this life.

The first time, I was disappointed and sad about losing my pregnancy. With Renee, I feel like I've lost a child. Her loss has made this pregnancy more frightening for me. A lot of people adivise to get pregnant as soon as you can after a loss. They say it helps to heal or something. That was true with my first experience, but has not been this time. Although, I think everything will turn out okay, I have had more than one moment where I've been afraid of losing this baby as well. In the past, I've said, "no thanks" to any genetic testing. I just didn't see any purpose in it. This time, I've felt like I needed some reassurance. I think I would have been going completely crazy if I hadn't already had a few ultrasounds that have shown a healthy baby.

Just as each pregnancy and baby are unique, each loss is also.