So, that last post is a bit depressing, or depressed at least. We've had a lot of that going around our house lately. It's been a difficult time, but it hasn't all been bad. I think I'm going to be posting a lot about this over the next month or more, and hopefully, it won't all be horribly depressing! I'm hoping that by posting about Renee a little more often, I won't have that build up of emotions that was let loose in the last post. And I'm going to need your help! I'd like to do a sort of Q&A for Renee. I feel a bit at a loss as to how to begin to talk about her, and I think I've put it off for too long, so I need your help! I'm inviting you all to ask me anything. You can ask anything from how it's affecting me, to how she looked. You can post your questions as comments or send them to me in an email.
Thank you in advance! I appriciate your help.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Remembering
Once again I find myself feeling like a bad blogger! In case you haven't noticed, I haven't been posting terribly often. Although, I have to remind myself, it's still been much more often than when I first started! Ha, ha! I'm not a complete blogging failure! :) But I have slowed down a bit lately. The reason is not for lack of material. My kids still do silly, cute, or brag-able things, I really need to finish mine and Aaron's story, Andrea tagged me, and if all else failed, I could complain about housework! Not that the last one would be exciting, but at least I would be posting. The truth is, there's only one thing I want to post about. I've been wanting to post about it for a while, but have a hard time sitting down and doing it. It's not happy or fun like all the other things I could be posting about. But it is important. I feel the need to write it down, to process, and discuss.
It's been almost a year since we went in for Renee's first ultrasound. October 1st will mark one year since we found out that something was wrong. The following week was spent reading articles online and comparing them with the ultrasound report. On October 7th, we had another ultrasound that confirmed our baby would not live long regardless of any choices we made. We spent a little over a week trying to make some kind of decision about whether to wait until her heart stopped beating on it's own, or to induce labor while she was still alive. Sometime between that second ultrasound and the third, that choice was taken out of our hands. By the 16th, her heart had stopped beating. Then it was only a choice to wait and see if my body went into labor in the next couple of weeks, or to induce. I had had no signs or symptoms of labor, and waiting longer could have had negetive effects on my health, not to mention the emotional pain of carrying a child I knew was no longer living. We decided sooner was better, and scheduled the induction for the next day. She was born on the afternoon of October 18th.
Every child has firsts. Baby's first smile, word, tooth, step. Baby's first holiday's, and of course, first birthday. We have no way of knowing when Renee would have cut her first tooth, or said her first word, but every holiday and family event reminds us of the daughter who isn't there. Being pregnant has been hard for this reason. Every kick I feel, or ache or pain, and my growing belly, have been reminders of my last pregnancy. I'm now in my 22+ weeks pregnant-exactly how far I got into Renee's pregnancy. The last couple of weeks have been especially difficult emotionally. While I am glad to say that so far, things seem to be going well with this baby, every symptom I feel is a reminder of my last pregnancy and how abruptly it ended. It is difficult to celebrate when I feel I am still mourning Renee's loss.
As people begin to notice my pregnancy more, I am continually hearing this baby refered to as our third. I find myself saying the same words, for the sake of simplicity, and feeling horrible for it. You see, I already have three children. Two of them live with me, and one with God.
I need to remember her. And I need her to be remembered.
It's been almost a year since we went in for Renee's first ultrasound. October 1st will mark one year since we found out that something was wrong. The following week was spent reading articles online and comparing them with the ultrasound report. On October 7th, we had another ultrasound that confirmed our baby would not live long regardless of any choices we made. We spent a little over a week trying to make some kind of decision about whether to wait until her heart stopped beating on it's own, or to induce labor while she was still alive. Sometime between that second ultrasound and the third, that choice was taken out of our hands. By the 16th, her heart had stopped beating. Then it was only a choice to wait and see if my body went into labor in the next couple of weeks, or to induce. I had had no signs or symptoms of labor, and waiting longer could have had negetive effects on my health, not to mention the emotional pain of carrying a child I knew was no longer living. We decided sooner was better, and scheduled the induction for the next day. She was born on the afternoon of October 18th.
Every child has firsts. Baby's first smile, word, tooth, step. Baby's first holiday's, and of course, first birthday. We have no way of knowing when Renee would have cut her first tooth, or said her first word, but every holiday and family event reminds us of the daughter who isn't there. Being pregnant has been hard for this reason. Every kick I feel, or ache or pain, and my growing belly, have been reminders of my last pregnancy. I'm now in my 22+ weeks pregnant-exactly how far I got into Renee's pregnancy. The last couple of weeks have been especially difficult emotionally. While I am glad to say that so far, things seem to be going well with this baby, every symptom I feel is a reminder of my last pregnancy and how abruptly it ended. It is difficult to celebrate when I feel I am still mourning Renee's loss.
As people begin to notice my pregnancy more, I am continually hearing this baby refered to as our third. I find myself saying the same words, for the sake of simplicity, and feeling horrible for it. You see, I already have three children. Two of them live with me, and one with God.
I need to remember her. And I need her to be remembered.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
What is that anyway?
When my mom was in college, she got this recipe from one of her roommates. I've never come across anything quite like it. It's like pie that thinks it's cake! In any case, it's yummy! So I thought I'd share with you-or at least the recipe! ;)
Kristada
1/2 lb butter or margrine
1 1/2 C sugar
4 eggs
3 C flour
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 cans pie filling (I usually use cherry, but you could do anything you like)
Cream butter and sugar. Add eggs one at a time. Add vanilla. Mix in flour. Dough will be sticky. Grease a baking sheet and spread about 2/3 of the dough on the pan. Pour pie filling onto dough. (If it looks like too much, you don't have to use all of both cans.) Spoon remaining dough onto filling. Try to spread it a little so it's not just blobs, but it you should still see plenty of pie filling.
Bake @ 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes.
Enjoy!
Monday, September 08, 2008
Update
Wow, I didn't realize how long it had been since I posted! So here's a brief update on the last week.
Aaron auditioned for The Pirates of Penzance at the college here. He got the part of a policeman, but we still don't know how this will work with his work schedule. He's always wanted to perform. It's one of his dreams in life, so he'll be sad if he doesn't get to participate. We'll see how it works out.
I've been getting bigger! I keep meaning to have Aaron take a picture... I'm also feeling the baby move a lot more! No one else has been able to feel it yet, but I don't think it will be long!
I injured myself last Thursday. Years ago, I hurt my knee and it occasionally comes back to haunt me. It's been awhile since it last happened, so I guess I was due for a knee injury. I've been trying to stay off it, which means my house is a disaster!
Anyway, I think that's about it!
Aaron auditioned for The Pirates of Penzance at the college here. He got the part of a policeman, but we still don't know how this will work with his work schedule. He's always wanted to perform. It's one of his dreams in life, so he'll be sad if he doesn't get to participate. We'll see how it works out.
I've been getting bigger! I keep meaning to have Aaron take a picture... I'm also feeling the baby move a lot more! No one else has been able to feel it yet, but I don't think it will be long!
I injured myself last Thursday. Years ago, I hurt my knee and it occasionally comes back to haunt me. It's been awhile since it last happened, so I guess I was due for a knee injury. I've been trying to stay off it, which means my house is a disaster!
Anyway, I think that's about it!
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Busy Weekend
We had a lot going on this weekend. Thursday night we had a small family birthday party for William, who turned 5 on Friday! Friday morning, Aaron and I dropped the kids off at Grandma and Grandpa's house and headed north for Salt Lake City. Aaron had two brothers who got married in August. One was married in Ohio and one in New York. Unfortunately, we were not able to go to either wedding, but they decided to have a joint reception in Salt Lake since most of thier family lives out West. They also had a cousin who decided to join in the fun and got married in Provo on Friday! So we made it to Provo in time to relax a little before their cousin's reception that evening.
Saturday morning, we were able to spend some time with my sister. It was really nice to see her. Neither of us travels much. I think the last I saw her was Christmas. I wish I had remembered my camera. I could show you a picture of my cute sister! Oh well.
Saturday evening was the joint reception. It was lovely! It was held at the home of one bride's Grandfather. We used his lovely back yard. Someday I'll have a lovely back yard... There were some fun moments-after feeding their brides, the grooms fed each other cake, and the brides seemed to think they couldn't throw their bouquets far enough. I was able to finally meet more of Aaron's family (he's got quite a lot) and a few of thier friends. We occasionally wished we had the kids to show off, but it was much more relaxing to visit and show a couple pictures on our phones! It was also really nice to get to know the brides. They are both wonderful in different ways and seem perfect for their respective husbands. I look forward to seeing them again.
After a really late night, Aaron and I decided to turn off the alarm on his phone and just see when we woke up. Well, my empty stomach woke us up at 9, so we got up and hurried off to have a quick breakfast with his family. We went to sacrament meeting at his aunt's ward in Provo and spent some more time visiting with family before heading back home. Aaron had to work Monday, so we headed home Sunday afternoon. It was pretty late by the time we got home. The events of the weekend kept us pretty busy, so there really wasn't much down time, but we were glad that we were able to go. Maybe sometime we'll get a vaccation! :)
Saturday morning, we were able to spend some time with my sister. It was really nice to see her. Neither of us travels much. I think the last I saw her was Christmas. I wish I had remembered my camera. I could show you a picture of my cute sister! Oh well.
Saturday evening was the joint reception. It was lovely! It was held at the home of one bride's Grandfather. We used his lovely back yard. Someday I'll have a lovely back yard... There were some fun moments-after feeding their brides, the grooms fed each other cake, and the brides seemed to think they couldn't throw their bouquets far enough. I was able to finally meet more of Aaron's family (he's got quite a lot) and a few of thier friends. We occasionally wished we had the kids to show off, but it was much more relaxing to visit and show a couple pictures on our phones! It was also really nice to get to know the brides. They are both wonderful in different ways and seem perfect for their respective husbands. I look forward to seeing them again.
After a really late night, Aaron and I decided to turn off the alarm on his phone and just see when we woke up. Well, my empty stomach woke us up at 9, so we got up and hurried off to have a quick breakfast with his family. We went to sacrament meeting at his aunt's ward in Provo and spent some more time visiting with family before heading back home. Aaron had to work Monday, so we headed home Sunday afternoon. It was pretty late by the time we got home. The events of the weekend kept us pretty busy, so there really wasn't much down time, but we were glad that we were able to go. Maybe sometime we'll get a vaccation! :)
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