Remembering

Once again I find myself feeling like a bad blogger! In case you haven't noticed, I haven't been posting terribly often. Although, I have to remind myself, it's still been much more often than when I first started! Ha, ha! I'm not a complete blogging failure! :) But I have slowed down a bit lately. The reason is not for lack of material. My kids still do silly, cute, or brag-able things, I really need to finish mine and Aaron's story, Andrea tagged me, and if all else failed, I could complain about housework! Not that the last one would be exciting, but at least I would be posting. The truth is, there's only one thing I want to post about. I've been wanting to post about it for a while, but have a hard time sitting down and doing it. It's not happy or fun like all the other things I could be posting about. But it is important. I feel the need to write it down, to process, and discuss.

It's been almost a year since we went in for Renee's first ultrasound. October 1st will mark one year since we found out that something was wrong. The following week was spent reading articles online and comparing them with the ultrasound report. On October 7th, we had another ultrasound that confirmed our baby would not live long regardless of any choices we made. We spent a little over a week trying to make some kind of decision about whether to wait until her heart stopped beating on it's own, or to induce labor while she was still alive. Sometime between that second ultrasound and the third, that choice was taken out of our hands. By the 16th, her heart had stopped beating. Then it was only a choice to wait and see if my body went into labor in the next couple of weeks, or to induce. I had had no signs or symptoms of labor, and waiting longer could have had negetive effects on my health, not to mention the emotional pain of carrying a child I knew was no longer living. We decided sooner was better, and scheduled the induction for the next day. She was born on the afternoon of October 18th.

Every child has firsts. Baby's first smile, word, tooth, step. Baby's first holiday's, and of course, first birthday. We have no way of knowing when Renee would have cut her first tooth, or said her first word, but every holiday and family event reminds us of the daughter who isn't there. Being pregnant has been hard for this reason. Every kick I feel, or ache or pain, and my growing belly, have been reminders of my last pregnancy. I'm now in my 22+ weeks pregnant-exactly how far I got into Renee's pregnancy. The last couple of weeks have been especially difficult emotionally. While I am glad to say that so far, things seem to be going well with this baby, every symptom I feel is a reminder of my last pregnancy and how abruptly it ended. It is difficult to celebrate when I feel I am still mourning Renee's loss.

As people begin to notice my pregnancy more, I am continually hearing this baby refered to as our third. I find myself saying the same words, for the sake of simplicity, and feeling horrible for it. You see, I already have three children. Two of them live with me, and one with God.

I need to remember her. And I need her to be remembered.