Who I am

I am not a big fan of country music. It's ok. I like some of the stories the songs tell, but it's never really been my thing. However, in my second year of college, I lived in a house where cable was included in the rent. I also went to school in a tiny (seriously, tiny) Utah town where the only music channel available on basic cable was CMT. So it was not uncommon for me to turn on the tv to CMT while I cooked or cleaned or did homework or whatever. This is one of the songs that was on CMT at the time and has stuck with me. It has not stuck with me because it's a brilliant song, but because I identify with the sentiment. I could almost sing this about myself.



"It's all a part of me, and that's who I am..." I really identify with that line. Who am I? Well, a lot of it involves the people around me.

Today, a big part of what defines me is my family. I'm a wife and a mother, and those are big jobs. I AM a mother. It's not just something I do, it is part of my identity. After an evening out, a friend asked me if it was nice to go out and not be "Isaac's mom." I agreed, but it kind of nagged at me in my heart because I am Isaac's mom. I can't not be his mom. What she meant was that I didn't have to worry about all of that or be identified by anything other than me, myself, but I had to think about whether or not I really wanted to stop being his mom, even for a couple hours.

But I'm not just Isaac's mom. I'm also William's mom and Leonora's mom. I'm also the mother to my angel baby, Renee. Each of them has impacted how I see and interact with the world around me. I have learned and grown because of the experiences I have had with them. I know that as they grow, those experiences will only expand and increase my own growth.

I am also Aaron's wife. To pretend that I have not changed and grown because of him would be... difficult... and untrue. We each have gleaned many insights, interests, and tastes from one another. I think this must be why some older couples who have been married for many years begin to look and sound like each other. Of course, they never look identical. There are always distinguishing features that make them unique individuals, but their similar environments, habits, likes and dislikes, seem to mold them together. There are so many things that I enjoy that I may never have come across if I weren't married to Aaron.

I've had other friends who talked to me about finding something that is just me. I do have some things that I enjoy, that are not part of my duties as wife and mother, but even those, I can't really say that they came from me. The idea came from somewhere. For example, I like to garden. Someday, I'd love to have a big yard and fill it up with all kinds of plants and trees and little corners with benches and paths. I love that stuff. I wish I could enjoy it on a larger scale than a few pots by the front door. I'm even okay with weeding and pruning. But I think that came from a few people. In fact, I've had two different grandmothers who took credit at different times for my "green thumb." They are probably both right. I probably got some of it from my own parents as well. Perhaps my dad who naively handed me a hose as a toddler was the first to spark that desire. I'm not sure. I do know that it has grown with each encounter I have with a gardener in their garden. When I do have that yard, I imagine it being an amalgamation of all the gardens I have seen in magazines, or walked through in person, with a little bit of my own personality and whatever unique situations arise in that particular piece of land.

I feel like who I am is a lot like that yard. Any idea or moment that stuck with me, whether good or bad, has made me who I am in some small way.

"It's all a part of me, and that's who I am."