What I miss most

This is my third or fourth attempt at writing this. Hopefully, third or fourth time's the charm!

I have been feeling such an odd mixture of emotions regarding Isaac and our family's situation. On the one hand, I am so heartbroken over the whole thing. I remember what he was like a year ago, and I know he will never be the same little boy who followed me around and wanted to do everything I did.



He "vacuumed" with his toy vacuum, swept with his toy broom, stood on a stool to help me load the washing machine and loved to water the plants (and sometimes the bare ground) with me.










I miss this boy. Although his personality is the same, the circumstances are so different. He wants to help still, but these are things that are very difficult for him to do right now.


Last October, our family went to visit some friends and family in Northern Utah. One night, we had gotten together with Aaron's brother and his cousin along with their wives and children. We were going to play some cards, but needed to set up a table. Aaron's cousin, Jeff got a table out and started putting it up. Isaac, wanting to get involved and help out, rushed up to him from behind. Jeff didn't see him and unfortunately, Isaac and the table collided. Jeff was very apologetic and felt bad about it, but that's just part of who Isaac was and is. Even as a 21 month old toddler, he wanted to, and thought he could, help with everything! Shortly after that, I took this picture of Isaac:


Do you see his little "shiner?" It is proof of his love of being involved and helping out. I miss it. Every. Single. Day. I cry about it frequently. It has been hard not to ask why, why him, why us, but I do think there is a reason. I wish we didn't have all of this going on. Really, I am not to the point that I can feel grateful for the things we are going through. I do feel that we have had many blessings from family, friends, and church, and we are very grateful for that. I don't think we could get through this without all of your support. But I have to admit, it is hard to feel grateful when I feel so very... sad... about what is missing from all of our lives right now.

But there is one thing about this picture that I love and cannot miss: his smile! Isaac has always been the happiest little kid I've known, and his smile is so contagious! He is such a special kid. Through everything, his smile has been constant. He has ups and downs, of course, and he puts on a pout for his therapists, but it never stays for long. He is happy, and for that I am truly grateful. He has had so much taken from him, but he still has his smile and good attitude. Nothing else could be more important for him to keep.