Looking again

Awhile back I posted about an apartment that I was hoping to move into. Yeah, that didn't happen. I was pretty disappointed at the time, but now most of the rental properties have lowered their prices, so it has turned out to be a bit of a blessing! Today, I went out and looked at a couple of places. One was kind of run down and in an "iffy" neighborhood, so I ruled that one out, but the other was really nice. At the time that I posted about the other place, this one was over $100 more per month, which put it out of our price range. Anyway, I'm feeling really good about it. There's one other place that I want to look at before we make a commitment, but I'm secretly hoping this is the place! Here are a few pics from the rental agency's site.

The Master Bathroom:


The Kitchen as viewed from the dinning area:



We'd be in the lower right if we decide on this place.

Homebirth

I was sitting in the local WIC office today waiting to add Isaac to the program. A worker came by to make sure I had what I needed to add him, and asked if I had his hospital bracelet for identification. I explained that he had been born at home, but I had his birth record with his name, birthday and my midwife's signature. This satisfied their requirements, and the worker checked with the other women in the waiting room and then left the area. Shortly afterward, one mother with her own newborn asked me about my homebirth. "Were you afraid that something would go wrong?" she asked. I stopped for a moment to think if I had had any such fears during my labor. "No" was the only answer I could give. So many people say to me, "I could never have a homebirth." They site reasons such as wanting pain medication, fears of complications, or having to clean up the mess afterwards. Some people have very good reasons for birthing in hospitals, and I rarely try to convince anyone of how to give birth unless they ask for my opinion. Those who are at a higher risk for complications should be where they can get appropriate care-usually at a hospital under the care of an obstetrician.

When people ask me if I have fears of things going wrong, ironically, the first thing I picture is being in a hospital. I picture an IV in my arm and moniters on my belly. I picture nurses and doctors coming and going and making decisions that will change the outcome of my child's birth. As long as I am able to stay home, I have nothing to be afraid of. It's when all those interventions that most people consider a normal part of giving birth come into play that I start feeling afraid.

I don't think all interventions are bad. C-sections can be very good, if they save a baby and/or mother from a truly dangerous situation. There are times when a mother's labor should be induced. Episiotomies are something I personally find more difficult to justify, but I supose there are cases where they may be necesary. But for me, needing those things is a sign that my body isn't functioning the way it should.

I have to wonder why it is that many mothers who have their babies in hospitals are afraid, while those I know who have had homebirths consider birth to be normal. Could it be that there is more to fear in a hospital? I read and listen to typical hospital birth stories, and if that was my only experience with birth, I'd be afraid too.

Oh, and as for the mess of birth being an issue, I didn't clean up anything after Isaac's birth. The midwife started a load of laundry and Aaron later switched it to the dryer. Everything else was taken care of.

The two-week check up!

Isaac had an appointment with the pediatritian today. He got weighed, measured, listened to and looked at! The jaundice we had been watching is gone and he is back over his birth weight! His current measurments are 8lbs 12oz and 22 inches long. He's around the 50th percentile for his weight and about 90 for his height! We will see how long that keeps up! With such short parents, I suspect he will grow out of it, but we will see! His head is about 14.5inches, which is also right around the 50th percentile compared to other babies his age. Over all, he is a happy and healthy little boy!

Two Weeks!

Wow, I can't believe it's already been two weeks since Isaac was born! Here are a few pictures. He is doing well. We've pretty much figured each other out as far as breastfeeding goes, and he sleeps great-but sometimes he does it in the middle of the day and not at night! So we are working on that. He has a two week appointment on Monday, so I'll update again with his current weight, etc next week!

Isaac Is Here!

Isaac getting ready to be weighed by the midwife.

New baby Issac!

Hello! I know I haven't posted much lately, and I'm sorry this has taken me a few days to announce! We had our baby! He was a couple weeks early, which is the reverse of what I'm used to! He was born at home Saturday night. Here's his birth story. It's somewhat detailed, but I wanted to share the whole story, so hopefully that doesn't bother anyone too much!

Isaac's Story

Saturday morning I woke up feeling pretty normal-huge and pregnant! Around 10:30am, I was started noticing some contractions that were harder and lasting longer than most of the braxton hicks I'd been having. I didn't want to get too anxious about it, so I counted them, but didn't really time them. They were really inconsistant. One hour I had 4, the next couple hours I had 2, then between 3:30 and 4:30, I didn't have any at all. I fell asleep and was woke up by a good strong contraction at about 4:30. From then on, they didn't stop. They still weren't really regular, but were getting stronger, and I was really feeling it in my lower back which made me wonder if he was turned wrong. Around 5:00pm I called my midwife. I was finally feeling like this could be it! She wasn't at home and it took me a while to get a hold of her. I finally talked to her at about 5:30. I was still able to talk through the contractions, so I didn't think it could be that close, but at the same time, I was definitly feeling things happening with most of them. She said to call back in half an hour. I went on with what I had been doing-cleaning the kitchen counters! Ha, ha! But pretty soon couldn't handle being on my feet anymore, so I laid down in bed. In the meantime, I was trying to get my mom to understand the urgency of the situation. She was supposed to be picking up the kids, but hadn't left her house which is a 20 minute drive. I talked to my midwife around 6 and she said she'd get ready and head on over. Aaron was scrambling to get the kids ready to go and Leonora was kind of freaking out. She wanted mommy to help her, but I was not moving! Around the time my mom arrived, Leonora had climbed up in bed and snuggled up next to me. Thankfully, she loves going to Grandma's so once we had our little snuggle, she was willing to go. The kids left with Grandma around 6:15 and I immediately told Aaron to go fill the tub. Because of the back pain, I was really struggling to relax through the contractions, and knew the water would help with that. As soon as the tub was filled I got in and we waited for my midwife. By this time, the contractions were coming a lot faster. We'd kind of stopped timing them when Aaron was getting the kids ready, so I'm not sure how close, but I'd guess at least every 5 minutes. Just before 7:00, I started feeling like I needed to push, so I told Aaron to call the midwife. Thankfully, she was in the parking lot when we called, and came right in. She checked me and said that I was nearly dialated. There was just one side of the cervix still there. She also said that the membranes were bulging, but the baby's head was still not engaged. She also gave me permission to push, and said that once my water broke, he would come down. I stayed in the tub a little longer, but I had no concept of how long at that point. I started feeling like I needed to change possitions to help things along. I was really getting anxious for my water to break so that we could get on with things! I slowly got out of the tub and then started asking my midwife about breaking my water. I told her that if it was safe, I wanted it done. I was feeling really ready. She said it would be safe, so I headed to the bed to have my water broken. I was having contractions about every third step, so it was slow going, but we made it to the bed. I had a couple more contractions while they were getting things ready, then as my midwife was about to do it, I felt like a water balloon had exploded down there! I think I said something about how I'd never had it happen quite like that before! So, I was glad to have that part done and was getting down to the business of getting the baby out! I turned to my side and had Aaron hold my upper leg so that I didn't have to. I still had a lip of cervix on one side, so my midwife manually took care of that and then it seemed like almost immediately she told me I could reach down and feel his head. I was in for a surprise when I felt nearly half his head already out! We had to kind of slow things down for a minute. He was sunny-side up, which I had assumed because of the back pain, and he also had one hand next to his face and the cord wrapped loosely around his neck. My midwife made sure his hand and cord were taken care of, and told me when to push. After that, I really didn't have to push much though. I felt like everything was kind of happening on its own! I'm not sure how many pushes, but from the time my water broke, until he was born was less than 5 minutes! That was a record for me! When they handed him up to me, I was just so overwhelmed, I was just sobbing! I was just so happy to have him in my arms! He cried right away, but didn't have very good color at first, so his 1 minute apgars were a little low, but he scored 9 on the 5 minute. He has some nice dark hair and dark eyes and the world's cutest dimple in his left cheek! Since then, he has been getting really good at all those things that babies do, eating, sleeping, and pooping! Monday he had a visit with the doctor. He's slightly jaundice, so they did a blood draw to check on that and re-checked it yesterday. His levels went up so he's being checked again today. I'm hoping that things will be better. If not, he may need to spend some time under lights in the hospital. I'm feeling really good for the most part. I had no tearing or swelling so things are healing very quickly! Other than the back pain, this was basically a dream labor! It went so quickly and smoothly, I really couldn't have asked for better!

Isaac Nathan Born 8:49pm on Saturday, January 3rd. 8lbs 7oz, 19.25 inches long.

Visit to the midwife

Hi Everyone! We're went somewhere very important today! Mom took along the camera to document our experience. Here we are all ready to go to Mom's midwife appointment!

We love going to the midwife! She's so nice! Here's her house. We'll have one more appointment here in two weeks and then she'll start coming to our house!

We like her house because she has toys! The coloring books are a big hit with us! We colored while Mom did some other stuff. We don't really know what that's all about, but it gives us some time to have fun before we get down to business!

After Mom talks to the midwife for a few minutes, it's our turns to help! There's this great little squeazy thing that checked Mom's blood pressure. It was 110/70. I guess that's good.

Next came the measuring. Mom's belly sure has gotten big lately! We think our brother must be anxious to see us because he sure has been growing a lot! The midwife says he's about 2 weeks ahead!

Next we listened to his heartbeat. Leonora is our professional button pusher, so that's her job. This machine makes the coolest noises ever!

After that's all over, Mom talks some more to the midwife. They talk a lot, but we get to play some more, so it's okay with us. Then it's time to clean up!

And one final peice of business: trying on the Spiderman mask! Yep, it fits!

How many foots do you have?

This morning, William told me something that is definitely worth recording.

First, he told me that we are all in the same family. We all have the same last name and we have eyes and we all have one feet.

Before correcting him, I asked him to explain. He then told me that two foots is the same as one feet, so we all have one feet. Next he told me that two feet is the same as four foots.

Hmmm... Very clever William!

Seasons

As each season changes, so does the decor around our homes and neighborhoods. Of all the seasons, I think the change from fall leaves to Christmas boughs is most noticable. There is nothing shy about the way Christmas enters the scene. On November first, the only pumkins and fall leaves you'll see are in clearance bins, and every retail and grocery store is sure to be decked in red and green. I know this bothers a lot of people, but personally, I don't mind it. I do think that Thanksgiving is an important holiday, but the decor is much less festive. Besides, what's wrong with evergreen boughs being part of Thanksgiving? Anyway, I haven't gotten out many holiday decorations yet. I don't have lights, tree or nativity set up. I don't have any holiday wreaths or garlands around my home. But Sunday, I took care of the first item on my holiday to do list. For the last year, the decorations in my home have been second. The first place the season's change for me is at the cemetary where Renee is buried. There we have a small crook where I hang a wreath to match the season. For some reason, this makes her feel so much more a part of the celebration. A part of our lives. At times when I haven't been able to do this small thing, it has weighed on me. I feel like I'm ignoring her, or too busy for her. Even though I know she is not really there, it helps me to acknowledge her presence in my family. And in some ways, it feels like a gift that I give to her. It's one way I remember her, and show my love for her.

Our story part 5

The date

Saskia asked for pictures, so I dug out this one! Aaron looks so different here. Well, I guess we both look different. A lot can happen in 10 years! Sorry the quality may not be the best. I was in a hurry when I scanned it at my mom's house. It ended up a bit crooked. I tried to fix it, but don't have a very good program. Anyway, here it is: Our first date!

We had rehersal that day. After rehersal, my friend Diana and I blindfolded our dates and my mom picked us up and drove in a round-about way to my parent's house. We were served a spaghetti dinner by my dad, and took a few pictures before we left for the dance. The funny thing is, Aaron and I spent very little time in the dance! Well, I think we went in for the slow songs and to socialize a little, but we spent a lot of the time sitting outside the gym talking-and yes, that really is all we did! We never even held hands until the next summer!

At the risk of sounding a bit silly, I'm going to tell you this next part.

I had previously gotten the feeling that we would get married. It's funny, because that really was the furthest thing from my mind at the time. In fact, it was a bit overwhelming to think about! I mean, yeah, I liked him. I'd just chased him down to go on a date! But I wasn't looking for a serious relationship. So this had been bugging me, and I decided that maybe I should tell him, since it involved him! We spent a good deal of time during the dance discussing this topic. Thankfully, we were both smart enough to realize that knowing we may get married someday, didn't mean we needed to elope that night! In the meantime, we could just enjoy our friendship and get to know each other better. And that is what we did for the next month and a half until he went back to Seattle!

Oops

In my last "our story" post, I said that today was the anniversary of our first date. Well, it turns out, I was wrong! I really should check these things before I post! It is this month, but it's the 13th. Don't ask where I got the 5th from. I don't know. Anyway, I have a post all ready to be published, and it will be showing up on the 13th!

Trick-or-treating

Hey, kids!

Who? Us?

Trick or Treat!

Our Story Part 4

So, it's been a long time since I posted about Aaron's and my story! November 5th will be the 10th anniversary of our first date, so I thought I would try and get more of this story posted!

So when I left off, Tess and I were rushing back to her mom's car and her mom was telling us what had happened. Aaron had gotten a ride home from the play practice with Zane, who was another drama person and by strange coincedence, was also the person I'd taken to Sadie's the previous year. Aaron's foster dad had informed him that there were some girls waiting for him inside, and he promptly took off after Zane's departing vehicle! Tess's mom has seen all of this and got us caught up on the whole story while we were in pursuit of Zane and his cargo.

Meanwhile, the second vehicle that had arrived while we were waiting for Aaron was close behind us. We both pulled up to Zane's house at the same time and raced to the front door. I don't think I'll ever forget the expresion Zane had when he answered the door and said, "Both of you?!" I think he found it a bit overwhelmingly hillarious... After he got over the initial shock of having two girls on his porch demanding to know where another guy was, he told us that Aaron was at Ryan's house.

Well, I knew where Ryan lived, but me being who I am, I over thought the whole thing and assumed it was some kind of trick. It just so happened that Ryan's family was getting ready to move. Earlier that day, I'd had a conversation with someone else who tried to describe to me where they were moving. I thought for sure this was a trick and Ryan was taking Aaron off to the new house. Well, it turned out that I was wrong. Not only did he not take Aaron to the other house, but the house that I thought Ryan was moving to was occupied by some one else. Oops.
At that point, I didn't see how I could catch him. The other girl had a considerable head start. After I got home, I called Ryan to confirm the bad news. The first thing he said was, "Where are you?" I asked what had happened, and he said that Aaron had escaped out a bedroom window. Zane had picked him up, driven for a little and then dropped Aaron off somewhere in the dark. As far as he knew, Aaron had not been tagged by the other girl. There was still hope!

Somehow, we convinced Tess's mom to take us back out to see if we could find him. We back tracked to Ryan's house and started driving toward Aaron's house. It was not too long before we saw something strange in the dark. At first, I thought it was a dog or some other animal. Then, as we got closer, I realized I was seeing Aaron's white t-shirt bouncing along! And my fellow chaser was no where in site! Poor Aaron was getting a little tired of running at this point, and didn't realize who it was that stopped along side him until Tess and I got out of the car. He started running again, but we caught up to him pretty easily. With a little help from Tess, I got him tagged! I think we gave him a ride home then. :)

The next morning, I found out that Zane had led the other girl and her friend on a wild goose chase. Apparently, they didn't realize that Aaron wasn't in the car anymore. I don't think I ever thanked him for keeping them occupied! So that is how I earned my first date with Aaron!

Happy Halloween!

So, I thought that this morning I would spend a little time updating my blog and telling you about the picture of the pumpkins in the title, or whatever that box is called...

We carved pumpkins way too early this year, but there was (I think) a good reason for it. The 16th of October is the day that we found out Renee's heart had stopped beating. It's always good for me to have something to do to remember her on anniversary days like that, so I had decided I wanted to carve a pumpkin for her.

William was very excited about this! He picked what face he wanted from his "Five Little Pumpkins" book.

Leonora seemed excited initially, but got a little bored by the time we got one pumpkin done!

She spent a bit of time collecting leaves instead.

Here we are cleaning out William's pumpkin. The kids did a lot of "ewww"ing at the goo from inside. Aaron has a strong dislike for this part of pumpkin carving, so he was the official photographer. I guess he wanted to be included in the picture though, so there's his foot.

Leonora completely missed the carving of her pumpkin, but came back to see Renee's white pumpkin hallowed out.

She also helped a little with the candles and clean-up!

And here's the final product! Including my nice shadow! The kids sat out on the porch watching the glowing pumpkins until bedtime.

Unfortunately only Leonora's has made it to halloween. I think I might have accidentally gotten a baking pumpkin instead of a carving pumkin for her. It was really difficult to carve, but has lasted longer.

I don't know why, but blogger isn't cooperating very well for the last post I did. It won't put space between some of the paragraphs. I've tried to edit it several times and it just isn't coming out the way I want it to. Frustrating.

Things to remember

This was a q&a, and I had wanted to post it for Renee's birthday, but I'm going to post it now.

Heidi asked what I want to remember about Renee. Sometimes it's hard to be grateful for the time we had with her, knowing that we have and will continue to miss out on so much. But there are things that I want to remember. I guess I will start at the beginning.

I remember how happy Aaron and I both were when we found out that I was pregnant. Aaron's reaction is usually a calm sort of "okay." He doesn't usually get all that excited about a possitive pregnancy test. When I told him it was possitive that time, he got a big grin and got almost a little silly! It was one of those really happy moments.

We both felt really good about having another baby. I can't say that there were no struggles during that time, but overall, it was a good time for our family. There were moments that I worried a little about the baby, but they never lasted long. In retrospect, they all make sense with what was going on with her, but I was happy just to be having a baby, and everything was easy enough to pass off as normal. I was really laid back and just enjoyed the pregnancy. I began feeling her earlier than I had with my others. I'm not sure exactly when, but I think probably somewhere in the 12-15 week range. That's something I wish I had recorded/remembered.

Shortly after we found out that she was having problems, I had a dream about her. It's the only dream I've had about her. I wish I could remember her face more clearly. I imagine that it's what she would have looked like. I do remember her eyes though. They were dark and smiling. She was happy in my dream.

When she was born, she was very small, but very well developed. Her body was swollen because her kidneys had stopped working to expell fluids from her body. There were very few parts of her body that looked the way they should have. But she was all there. Ten fingers, ten toes, as they say. Actually her fingers and toes are some of the most memorable, because they were some of the least swollen. I remember the palm of her hand covered the tip of my index finger. I loved the way her fingers curled down around the tip of my finger. I wish I had a picture or something of her hands, but somehow they got left out. They tried to do hand prints, but she was very delicate and they were only able to get prints of her feet. The hospital gave us a few things in a box for her: a blanket that she had been wrapped in, a card with all her measurments, time of birth, foot prints, and picture of her foot, a little hat that although would be far too small for a full term baby, was huge on her, and a few other things. These objects that she had contact with have been very comforting at times when I want to remember her physical presence.

Renee's memory box and card

I remember the presence I felt during my pregnancy, and the confirmations I've recieved that she will be reunited with our family again someday. She has a strong spirit, and I know she's doing what she needs to. I feel blessed and honored to have her as my daughter and am only sad for the time I haven't gotten to spend with her.

Ultrasound

Yesterday I had what should be my last ultrasound for this pregnancy. This was the follow up ultrasound from the last one to make sure that there wasn't anymore "bright bowel," and everything looks good! We also decided to go ahead and find out the gender, and it's a boy! Yay for boys! :) I had kind of hoped for another girl, but William is quite satisfied. He's been sure for a while that it would be a boy. Aaron and Leonora kept their opinions to themselves! Anyway, here are some pictures! They aren't the greatest quality since I don't have a scanner. These are all pictures of pictures, but hopefully you get the idea!

Look, he's saying hi! Or maybe he's saying, "Stop bugging me!"


Profile
vertical 3-d profile. He's got his left hand up in a salute.
Nice straight foot and leg! We like straight feet after everything with William's clubbed feet.

Happy Birthday Renee

Saturday was Renee's birthday. Things have been really crazy around here lately with dentists, doctors, etc. I intended to post something special on her birthday, but just didn't get a chance last week. Unfortunately, I don't have the time right now either! I've got a midwife appointment and an ultrasound today. But I thought I should at least post something brief about her birthday. We went to the gravesite and talked about her and then had cake and ice cream at my parent's house. I'll post more with pictures later!

Second-hand smoke

My whole apartment smells like cigarette smoke. It started in the bathroom of all places. The bathroom is right in the middle of the apartment and has no windows or doors to the outside. I first noticed it Friday night. I closed the door and left the vent on overnight in hopes it would be better in the morning. Nope. If anything, it was worse. Then I found out that the vent doesn't even go outside. It's re-circulating, so it just blew the air back into the room. Tell me, what is the point of these kind of vents? Can that even be called a vent? I went to my parents house for most of the day yesterday. Someone told me that vinager will get the smell out, so I left a bowl of vinager in the bathroom and once more closed the door. When I got home, it smelled like smoke and vinager, and the rest of my apartment was beginning to smell like an old hotel room. It's just been getting worse. The people who live below me are smokers, so I can only assume it's coming from them, but I don't know how it's getting into my home! I haven't had doors or windows open. It's aweful. I really need to move.

Q&A from Heidi

Q: What kind of advice would you give to those around you trying to comfort you?

A: This is a hard question to answer, but also an important one. What makes it difficult to answer is that at different times, I've needed different things, and it's difficult to predict what I will need in the future.

When we lost Renee, the social worker at the hospital recommended a book to us called Tear Soup. Since then, I've recommended it to several people. I really love this book, and think everyone should read it. It talks about grief in simple and general terms that are easy to understand even for a child. It's also short, so it's easy to get through even for those who aren't the best of readers. And it has pictures!

It's a richly illustrated story about Grandy. Grandy has suffered a loss. Her loss is never described, but it really doesn't matter, because every loss is significant to the one who experiences it. Grandy's grief is compared to making soup. This soup is mostly comprised of her tears. There's a page that shows different friends showing up to "help" Grandy. And another where a friend calls to tell Grandy about her terrible experience. While her friends certainly care about her, and are doing their best to help, what Grandy really needs is her one friend who will sit and listen to Grandy. This one friend is named Midge. Midge listens to Grandy and eats her soup with her. She also helps get Grandy out of the house, but doesn't expect her to get over her loss. She allows Grandy to have her experience and simply supports her through her loss. Midge is the friend that every grieving person needs. At the end of the book, there are lists of things to do if you are the "cook" or a friend of the cook, a child or a male chef. I found these lists online at this site. Here is the one for friends:

If your friend is the one who is making tear soup

~Be there for your friend, even when you don't understand.
~Be a source of comfort by listening, laughing, and crying.
~Stick close to your friend and defend their right to grieve.
~Allow your friend to make mistakes... or at least to grieve differently from the way you would grieve.
~Send flowers. Send money if you know this would help.
~Send cards. The message doesn't need to be long. Just let them know you haven't forgotten them. Send one every few weeks for a while.
~Call your friend. Don't worry about being a bother. Let your friend tell you if they don't want to talk about their loss right now.
~Answering machines and e-mail are great ways to keep in touch, allowing the bereaved person to respond only when they feel up to it.
~Try to anticipate what your friend may need. Bereaved persons sometimes don't know what to ask for.
~Avoid offering easy answers and platitudes. This only invalidates the grief. Be patient. Don't try to rush your friend through their grief.
~Give your friend permission to grieve in front of you. Don't change the subject or tell them not to cry or act uncomfortable when they do cry.
~Ask them questions. But don't tell them how they should feel.
~Invite your friend to attend events together, as you normally would. Let them decide if they don't want to attend.
~Don't assume because your friend is having a good day that it means they are over their loss.
~Be mindful of holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.

All these things have been helpful to me at some point, and I think they are good general rules to follow. Although my pot of soup has gotten closer to being done, I still have a lot of things to get through. I think the thing that helps me best is when people don't assume I am done grieving. Or tell me that I should be. I don't expect people to understand what I continue to experience, but I like to know that people want to understand. I think sometimes people are afraid to ask questions. They are afraid it will be hurtful to remember, but what I've needed is for Renee to be remembered. I have very little proof of her existance here, so it's very important for me to know that someone else does remember her.

Thank You to those who have been brave enough to ask. It has helped me more than you could know!

The next Karate Kid?

I am being kicked rather violently from the inside. I'm not sure what I did to deserve this, but I have a feeling it will be going on a lot over the next 3+ months.