Strength

I get told a lot these days how strong I am. I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I'd probably say the same thing to another person if our roles were reversed, but I don't feel that I am exceptional. The circumstances are exceptional and go beyond anything that I ever thought that I would be able to muddle through. Some days I do great, seriously, I amaze myself sometimes! But not most of the time. Most of the time, all I can do is muddle through, just trying to make it through the day and take care of the most basic necessities. Some days, I don't know if I even do that.

I remember shortly after loosing our baby, Renee, I met a mom with a severely handicapped boy. He had serious physical and mental disabilities. He was in a wheel chair. Although he was awake, and I sat only 3 feet from him, I don't think he ever acknowledged or even noticed my presence. That mom was not having her best day, I think. I talked to her a bit and her frustrations oozed out in her tone and manner. She was dealing with so many things that, even now, I just can't imagine. After that, I thought, this is why my baby didn't make it to term. Because I couldn't handle that day in, day out effort that it would take to raise a special needs child. God knew I couldn't do that.

In retrospect, I think it's safe to say I was wrong on more than one level.

Here I am, doing the very thing that I felt I was being saved from and even told a friend afterward that I didn't believe that I'd ever be able to do. If anything, it was the opposite of what I believed at the time: I was being prepared and given perspective.

But I still don't know what to say when people tell me how strong I am. I do feel that there is a core of strength within my outwardly mushy middle, but I don't feel that I deserve the credit for it. Heaven knows I didn't go out looking for it! Being strong has never been a goal of mine. It's been something that I have had to be forced into. So here I am, being forced to step up and be strong.

The wonderful thing is, it is not just me stepping up. As long as I am making an effort, I feel that I am strengthened beyond what I could normally do. And when I'm too burned out to make an effort, someone else is there to step in. I know I couldn't do this alone, and I am so grateful to have knowledge of and faith in a Heavenly Father who strengthens me. He has put incredible people in my life that have helped me more than any of them could know. My strength does not come from me. My strength comes from Him and from the people around me. I could not do it without His love and the love of those who have served our family. So many prayers have been sent to Heaven on our family's behalf, and I know that they have been answered. I have felt that love and faith and it has strengthened me through long nights, hospital waiting rooms, ambulance rides, emergency room visits, and the daily to-do's.

So thank you, thank you for adding your faith to mine, whenever you have. That faith and love is what makes me strong. Thank you for that strength.