An Invitation

So, that last post is a bit depressing, or depressed at least. We've had a lot of that going around our house lately. It's been a difficult time, but it hasn't all been bad. I think I'm going to be posting a lot about this over the next month or more, and hopefully, it won't all be horribly depressing! I'm hoping that by posting about Renee a little more often, I won't have that build up of emotions that was let loose in the last post. And I'm going to need your help! I'd like to do a sort of Q&A for Renee. I feel a bit at a loss as to how to begin to talk about her, and I think I've put it off for too long, so I need your help! I'm inviting you all to ask me anything. You can ask anything from how it's affecting me, to how she looked. You can post your questions as comments or send them to me in an email.

Thank you in advance! I appriciate your help.

Remembering

Once again I find myself feeling like a bad blogger! In case you haven't noticed, I haven't been posting terribly often. Although, I have to remind myself, it's still been much more often than when I first started! Ha, ha! I'm not a complete blogging failure! :) But I have slowed down a bit lately. The reason is not for lack of material. My kids still do silly, cute, or brag-able things, I really need to finish mine and Aaron's story, Andrea tagged me, and if all else failed, I could complain about housework! Not that the last one would be exciting, but at least I would be posting. The truth is, there's only one thing I want to post about. I've been wanting to post about it for a while, but have a hard time sitting down and doing it. It's not happy or fun like all the other things I could be posting about. But it is important. I feel the need to write it down, to process, and discuss.

It's been almost a year since we went in for Renee's first ultrasound. October 1st will mark one year since we found out that something was wrong. The following week was spent reading articles online and comparing them with the ultrasound report. On October 7th, we had another ultrasound that confirmed our baby would not live long regardless of any choices we made. We spent a little over a week trying to make some kind of decision about whether to wait until her heart stopped beating on it's own, or to induce labor while she was still alive. Sometime between that second ultrasound and the third, that choice was taken out of our hands. By the 16th, her heart had stopped beating. Then it was only a choice to wait and see if my body went into labor in the next couple of weeks, or to induce. I had had no signs or symptoms of labor, and waiting longer could have had negetive effects on my health, not to mention the emotional pain of carrying a child I knew was no longer living. We decided sooner was better, and scheduled the induction for the next day. She was born on the afternoon of October 18th.

Every child has firsts. Baby's first smile, word, tooth, step. Baby's first holiday's, and of course, first birthday. We have no way of knowing when Renee would have cut her first tooth, or said her first word, but every holiday and family event reminds us of the daughter who isn't there. Being pregnant has been hard for this reason. Every kick I feel, or ache or pain, and my growing belly, have been reminders of my last pregnancy. I'm now in my 22+ weeks pregnant-exactly how far I got into Renee's pregnancy. The last couple of weeks have been especially difficult emotionally. While I am glad to say that so far, things seem to be going well with this baby, every symptom I feel is a reminder of my last pregnancy and how abruptly it ended. It is difficult to celebrate when I feel I am still mourning Renee's loss.

As people begin to notice my pregnancy more, I am continually hearing this baby refered to as our third. I find myself saying the same words, for the sake of simplicity, and feeling horrible for it. You see, I already have three children. Two of them live with me, and one with God.

I need to remember her. And I need her to be remembered.

What is that anyway?

When my mom was in college, she got this recipe from one of her roommates. I've never come across anything quite like it. It's like pie that thinks it's cake! In any case, it's yummy! So I thought I'd share with you-or at least the recipe! ;)

Kristada

1/2 lb butter or margrine
1 1/2 C sugar
4 eggs
3 C flour
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 cans pie filling (I usually use cherry, but you could do anything you like)

Cream butter and sugar. Add eggs one at a time. Add vanilla. Mix in flour. Dough will be sticky. Grease a baking sheet and spread about 2/3 of the dough on the pan. Pour pie filling onto dough. (If it looks like too much, you don't have to use all of both cans.) Spoon remaining dough onto filling. Try to spread it a little so it's not just blobs, but it you should still see plenty of pie filling.
Bake @ 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes.

Enjoy!

Update

Wow, I didn't realize how long it had been since I posted! So here's a brief update on the last week.
Aaron auditioned for The Pirates of Penzance at the college here. He got the part of a policeman, but we still don't know how this will work with his work schedule. He's always wanted to perform. It's one of his dreams in life, so he'll be sad if he doesn't get to participate. We'll see how it works out.
I've been getting bigger! I keep meaning to have Aaron take a picture... I'm also feeling the baby move a lot more! No one else has been able to feel it yet, but I don't think it will be long!
I injured myself last Thursday. Years ago, I hurt my knee and it occasionally comes back to haunt me. It's been awhile since it last happened, so I guess I was due for a knee injury. I've been trying to stay off it, which means my house is a disaster!

Anyway, I think that's about it!

Busy Weekend

We had a lot going on this weekend. Thursday night we had a small family birthday party for William, who turned 5 on Friday! Friday morning, Aaron and I dropped the kids off at Grandma and Grandpa's house and headed north for Salt Lake City. Aaron had two brothers who got married in August. One was married in Ohio and one in New York. Unfortunately, we were not able to go to either wedding, but they decided to have a joint reception in Salt Lake since most of thier family lives out West. They also had a cousin who decided to join in the fun and got married in Provo on Friday! So we made it to Provo in time to relax a little before their cousin's reception that evening.
Saturday morning, we were able to spend some time with my sister. It was really nice to see her. Neither of us travels much. I think the last I saw her was Christmas. I wish I had remembered my camera. I could show you a picture of my cute sister! Oh well.
Saturday evening was the joint reception. It was lovely! It was held at the home of one bride's Grandfather. We used his lovely back yard. Someday I'll have a lovely back yard... There were some fun moments-after feeding their brides, the grooms fed each other cake, and the brides seemed to think they couldn't throw their bouquets far enough. I was able to finally meet more of Aaron's family (he's got quite a lot) and a few of thier friends. We occasionally wished we had the kids to show off, but it was much more relaxing to visit and show a couple pictures on our phones! It was also really nice to get to know the brides. They are both wonderful in different ways and seem perfect for their respective husbands. I look forward to seeing them again.
After a really late night, Aaron and I decided to turn off the alarm on his phone and just see when we woke up. Well, my empty stomach woke us up at 9, so we got up and hurried off to have a quick breakfast with his family. We went to sacrament meeting at his aunt's ward in Provo and spent some more time visiting with family before heading back home. Aaron had to work Monday, so we headed home Sunday afternoon. It was pretty late by the time we got home. The events of the weekend kept us pretty busy, so there really wasn't much down time, but we were glad that we were able to go. Maybe sometime we'll get a vaccation! :)

William's blocks

William has these Duplo blocks that he got one year for his birthday. He makes all kinds of creative things with them. He's made Thomas the train, other un-named trains, animals-his favorite to make is a giraffe, and other things that he would have to explain to you since I don't really understand their functions. I wish I had captured some of his more imaginative creations, but I'm sure there will be more opportunities. For now, here are some of his recent works.



Can you tell what it is? I'll give you a clue: he's obsessed with a certain "Man of Steel." There were several incarnations of this character during the course of a couple days. He happened to build it right where our hallway meets our living room, so it kept getting kicked.

Here's what he did today.


These may be a little harder to figure out, but stems from another of William's current obsesions. Words. He has been playing games from the PBS show, "Word World," online and loves to "build" words. I didn't ask what this word is, but I think it is also related to Superman. He asked if "Krypton" started with a big "K" or a little "k" this morning, so I suspect that is what he was trying to spell.

Edit: William saw my post and said it's the word "Kryptonite," which would explain the "i," "t" at the end.

Pregnancy Update

I had another midwife appointment yesterday! There's not too much to report, but everything seems to be going well. We listened to the heartbeat for a while. Leonora got to push the power button on the doppler. The baby kept moving around and even kicked the doppler a couple times! I've been feeling the baby move a lot more often lately. That has been nice-although, I'm hopeing that this one doesn't kick me in the ribs like William did toward the end! That was not so nice. I've gained a little more weight than I would like, but not bad. I'm trying to keep that under control since I was still overweight when I got pregnant. I've gained about half the weight I'd like and I'm not quite halfway through. So I'm slightly ahead of schedule. I think my only hope is not to go two weeks overdue this time! I am also measuring right where I should be as far as the baby's size, so things are looking good!

Okay, I think I'm done rambling! :)

One more...

Here's one other thing that I did in those couple days that I didn't work on Leonora's dress.



It's a burp cloth. I made it from some flanel scraps that I had and a flat terry cloth diaper. It's loosely based on this one that was given to me by my relief society when Leonora was born. They are nice and big! Mine ended up being slightly longer, but about the same width.



First, I sewed the two pieces together. Nothing fancy, just a straight stitch to hold it in place while I crocheted.


Then I crocheted around the edge! It's functional and pretty! :)

Another sewing project

I made a dress for Leonora. I've been working on it for about a week and a half. It's a little more complicated than things I've made before, and once again, I had no supervision. Anyway, I found this pattern in a bunch that my mom has. It's an older one, and I have to wonder if it's something my grandma bought. It's been used before, and was missing pretty much all the peices besides the ones I used, but those are what I wanted anyway, so it worked out.

Cute pattern, huh? Here are some pictures of the project in progress. I think I stopped here for a couple days, because I realized I don't have a zipper foot. I was trying to figure out how to sew a zipper without one. In the meantime, I took some pictures! Here's the front of the dress.

And here's the back.

Here's the zipper. Pins are my friend-most of the time... It looks much prettier pinned on than the finished product. It took me a couple tries. Oh, well. I dont' think I'll be doing anymore zippers without the propper foot.

And here's the finished product! Leonora was happy to finally have her dress. She had been watching me make it.

Once again, a far from perfect, but I'm learning! And Leonora likes it!

Getting closer to that 100%

Well, I was finally able to talk to the genetic couselor today and got good news! I don't have the CF gene and the risk of Downs is very low! There is still a possiblility of some kind of blockage, so we will still get the ultrasound in October, but this rules out the most likely of complications. Yay! Hopefully the ultrasound will bring similar results!

Announcing...

I've been putting off making this announcement for a while, but have decided it's time. Yes, it's true, I'm pregnant. The baby is due mid-January, which puts me at about 17 weeks.

I wanted to wait until I was 100% sure of everything being okay with the baby before announcing things. We've done more testing this time than with any of our other pregnancies. We have been hoping for reassurance. It's hard not to worry about something being wrong, even though we are not at any higher risk because of Renee's issues. Most of our ultra sounds and other testing have been reassuring. The most recent one was a little less so.

We had an ultrasound Monday that showed something called "bright bowel." Most of the time, it is nothing and goes away on it's own. However, there is a risk of there being something seriously wrong. It could be Cystic Fibrosis, Downs Syndrom, or some other blockage in the baby's bowels.

The doctor says we are "90% in the clear," so we are hopeful that we fall into the nothing catagory, but are getting some extra testing in case we don't. I got a blood draw to check for CF and Downs. If I carry the gene for CF, then Aaron will be tested as well. Both parents have to have the gene in order for the child to have it. We will also have another ultra sound in October to see if it has gone away on it's own. I'll be 27 weeks at that appointment. Hopefully then our 90% will move up to the 100% that we want.

Sick

Hmm... blogger doesn't like me today. They couldn't "proccess that request" to publish my post, so I'm writing this for the second time. It's really too bad. It was almost a clever post, but it probably won't be now.

Anyway, I'm sick. I don't like being sick. I think it's a sinus thing. Ugh. I hate being sick.

Everyone feel sorry for me for a minute...

...

...

Okay, you can stop now. Resume your normal activities.

Thanks.

Look what I made!

This is the first thing I've made without any supervision! :) It's a wrap skirt. I found some tutorials online for making one without a pattern and used some fabric that's been sitting in storage in my mom's basement. If you saw it up close, it would be obvious that an amature made it, but overall, I think it turned out pretty good!

Leonora counts

Okay, she's not the most accurate counter ever, but it's cute! For some reason, she never remembers 5. 1 and 10 are hit and miss.

Penelope

Last night Aaron and I watched the movie Penelope. It was a cute fun movie. It won't go down in history for any special achievements or anything, but it was a cute story. This is how I felt about it most of the way through the movie. The end seemed more special though. I realized that it wasn't just a cute love story about a girl with a funny face. It's about learning to love yourself-regardless of what anyone else thinks or says. It's about makeing choices, facing your fears, and believing in yourself.

Today, tabloids flaunt pictures of skinny girls, and sometimes in the same issue critisize various women for being too fat and others for being too skinny. Women are made fun of for imperfections in thier appearence, but if a well known woman feels bad enough about her appearence to go through cosmetic surgery, or looses excess weight, that is splashed across newsstands as well. Nothing seems to escape thier scrutiny.

In todays world, I think we need tales like Penelope to remind us that we all have our own natural beauty. We all have our own natural strengths. Our features are part of who we are-regardless of how we came by them. When we learn to love ourselves with all the imperfections we have, we are freed from society's judgements. We don't need to change who we are to look nice.

I can't say that I am perfect at this. I often critisize my own looks. Some of these things-like being more in shape-are things I can and should change, while other's are things I just need to accept. I am so grateful for a husband who thinks I'm beautiful despite my flaws! I hope I can teach my kids to love themselves and others for who they are-inside and out.

Memories

Okay, I've had a few friends post this on thier blogs, and thought it might be fun!

1. As you comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember.

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you. If you don't want to play on your blog, or if you don't have a blog, I'll leave my memory of you in my comments.

I guess she does listen

Today I was watching Leonora play in her play kitchen. She was opening and closing the doors of her "oven" and "dishwasher," putting things in and out, and talking to herself. Then she turned around to me and said, "It's hot!" Ha, ha, I'm always worried about her walking into the kitchen when I've got the oven open or reaching up when the stove is hot. It's nice to know she's listening, and fun to see her imitate me.

The Desert is Alive...

We got some free tickets to see The Sound of Music this week. It's being performed at a local outdoor ampitheater. The usually have good productions there. Last year we were able to see My Fair Lady, which was fantastic! So we were excited to get use these tickets.
When going into a play that you are familiar with, it's always difficult to view it in the same way you would a play you've never seen. It's natural (at least, for me) to compare this "new" version with the familiar one. Hopefully, there is something new and fresh that each actor can bring to thier part and directors and designers can bring to the stage. I felt that this production had a good start on this from the moment Maria came out singing in her hills. She brought something unique and interesting to the roll. She gave a fantastic performance, and with only a couple of exceptions, forgot that I had ever seen Julie Andrews performance. Her counterpart unfortunatly, just didn't live up to that standard. Rather than an honest performance, it felt "put on" and over acted. That was disappointing. But, it was one of the few disapointments. The Baroness, who is briefly engaged to Captain Von Trapp, did a wonderful job! She was so funny and spunky! The children all did a great job. The youngest, Gretl, was especially fun to watch. She also happened to be the daughter of our previous Bishop, but I think I would have enjoyed her portrayal either way! :)
The music was fun as always, and I got to hear a couple songs that aren't in the movie-or at least not in thier entirety. The orchestra here is not always top notch, and can be disappointing for someone (like Aaron) who listens to a lot of top notch stuff. But it was good enough. They didn't distract from the voices onstage, and there were no really terrible moments-just no really great ones. The singing was at moments heavenly. The nuns choruses were flawless. They harmonized perfectly! Maria was no disappointment in this area either. She had a lovely voice and used it well. However, the Captain was once again disappointing. At parts he was good, but not great. At other times, he was obviously struggling. The children were good. Occasionally the complex harmonies got the better of them, but on the whole, they were very good.
For me, the acting and music in this play are probably the most important aspects, but there were a couple other moments that I felt really made this experience unique. The first was just fun! In the movie, there is a scene where the children and Maria put on a puppet show. I knew that this scene was added for the movie, and didn't know how they would pull it off in a live performance, so I assumed it would be left out. Luckily for us, it was not! But instead of puppets, we saw live dancers on the ends of strings! I chuckled when the first human puppet appeared, and continued to be delighted by the dancers' bobbing heads and whimsical movements. It was so much fun to watch! The second moment was toward the end of the play when the family sings at the music festival. It was something I don't recall experienceing at any other play. We became not only veiwers of the play, but players. Not that it was a difficult part to play-we played the audience of the music festival. We aplauded each song and while they sang "Edelweiss," Maria looked into the audience and requested that we all sing along. I felt like we were all singing our farwell to the Von Trapps and sharing in the love of thier homeland. It was amazing to be included as part of the performance. It was a moment that I felt truly a part of what was happening on the stage.
I enjoy good theater so much! It was wonderful to be able to see this performance. Although it was imperfect, it had many fun and touching moments. I know I've already said a lot about it, but I feel like I could go on! It was certainly a worthwhile evening.

Hurry! Nevermind.

Leonora has been potty training, and doing pretty well. Since I've started only putting "big girl panties" on her during the day, she has learned that a really effective way of getting my attention is to tell me she needs to use the bathroom. "Ah pee! Ah pee!" she'll say in a very urgent voice. Then as I hurry her off to the bathroom, she'll stroll right past the door and head for the bedroom. "Leonora, do you need to pee?" I'll ask. "No." Of course not, Mom, why would you ask me that? Of course, as soon as I go back to what I was doing, she begins her urgent call once more. Eventually I get her to actually sit on the toilet.
The other thing she has learned is that she gets an M&M when she goes to the bathroom. For some reason, she never changes her mind about that part.

The Cut

Sorry to anyone who didn't get to vote, but I did it! Yesterday, I got impatient and chopped Leonora's hair off. I did it myself, so there are still a few strands that didn't quite make it to the right length, but hey, it was free. And I think it turned out pretty good. It's hard to get a good picture of her. She likes to move, and my camera doesn't agree with things that move. But here's what I've got!