Visit to the midwife

Hi Everyone! We're went somewhere very important today! Mom took along the camera to document our experience. Here we are all ready to go to Mom's midwife appointment!

We love going to the midwife! She's so nice! Here's her house. We'll have one more appointment here in two weeks and then she'll start coming to our house!

We like her house because she has toys! The coloring books are a big hit with us! We colored while Mom did some other stuff. We don't really know what that's all about, but it gives us some time to have fun before we get down to business!

After Mom talks to the midwife for a few minutes, it's our turns to help! There's this great little squeazy thing that checked Mom's blood pressure. It was 110/70. I guess that's good.

Next came the measuring. Mom's belly sure has gotten big lately! We think our brother must be anxious to see us because he sure has been growing a lot! The midwife says he's about 2 weeks ahead!

Next we listened to his heartbeat. Leonora is our professional button pusher, so that's her job. This machine makes the coolest noises ever!

After that's all over, Mom talks some more to the midwife. They talk a lot, but we get to play some more, so it's okay with us. Then it's time to clean up!

And one final peice of business: trying on the Spiderman mask! Yep, it fits!

How many foots do you have?

This morning, William told me something that is definitely worth recording.

First, he told me that we are all in the same family. We all have the same last name and we have eyes and we all have one feet.

Before correcting him, I asked him to explain. He then told me that two foots is the same as one feet, so we all have one feet. Next he told me that two feet is the same as four foots.

Hmmm... Very clever William!

Seasons

As each season changes, so does the decor around our homes and neighborhoods. Of all the seasons, I think the change from fall leaves to Christmas boughs is most noticable. There is nothing shy about the way Christmas enters the scene. On November first, the only pumkins and fall leaves you'll see are in clearance bins, and every retail and grocery store is sure to be decked in red and green. I know this bothers a lot of people, but personally, I don't mind it. I do think that Thanksgiving is an important holiday, but the decor is much less festive. Besides, what's wrong with evergreen boughs being part of Thanksgiving? Anyway, I haven't gotten out many holiday decorations yet. I don't have lights, tree or nativity set up. I don't have any holiday wreaths or garlands around my home. But Sunday, I took care of the first item on my holiday to do list. For the last year, the decorations in my home have been second. The first place the season's change for me is at the cemetary where Renee is buried. There we have a small crook where I hang a wreath to match the season. For some reason, this makes her feel so much more a part of the celebration. A part of our lives. At times when I haven't been able to do this small thing, it has weighed on me. I feel like I'm ignoring her, or too busy for her. Even though I know she is not really there, it helps me to acknowledge her presence in my family. And in some ways, it feels like a gift that I give to her. It's one way I remember her, and show my love for her.

Our story part 5

The date

Saskia asked for pictures, so I dug out this one! Aaron looks so different here. Well, I guess we both look different. A lot can happen in 10 years! Sorry the quality may not be the best. I was in a hurry when I scanned it at my mom's house. It ended up a bit crooked. I tried to fix it, but don't have a very good program. Anyway, here it is: Our first date!

We had rehersal that day. After rehersal, my friend Diana and I blindfolded our dates and my mom picked us up and drove in a round-about way to my parent's house. We were served a spaghetti dinner by my dad, and took a few pictures before we left for the dance. The funny thing is, Aaron and I spent very little time in the dance! Well, I think we went in for the slow songs and to socialize a little, but we spent a lot of the time sitting outside the gym talking-and yes, that really is all we did! We never even held hands until the next summer!

At the risk of sounding a bit silly, I'm going to tell you this next part.

I had previously gotten the feeling that we would get married. It's funny, because that really was the furthest thing from my mind at the time. In fact, it was a bit overwhelming to think about! I mean, yeah, I liked him. I'd just chased him down to go on a date! But I wasn't looking for a serious relationship. So this had been bugging me, and I decided that maybe I should tell him, since it involved him! We spent a good deal of time during the dance discussing this topic. Thankfully, we were both smart enough to realize that knowing we may get married someday, didn't mean we needed to elope that night! In the meantime, we could just enjoy our friendship and get to know each other better. And that is what we did for the next month and a half until he went back to Seattle!

Oops

In my last "our story" post, I said that today was the anniversary of our first date. Well, it turns out, I was wrong! I really should check these things before I post! It is this month, but it's the 13th. Don't ask where I got the 5th from. I don't know. Anyway, I have a post all ready to be published, and it will be showing up on the 13th!

Trick-or-treating

Hey, kids!

Who? Us?

Trick or Treat!

Our Story Part 4

So, it's been a long time since I posted about Aaron's and my story! November 5th will be the 10th anniversary of our first date, so I thought I would try and get more of this story posted!

So when I left off, Tess and I were rushing back to her mom's car and her mom was telling us what had happened. Aaron had gotten a ride home from the play practice with Zane, who was another drama person and by strange coincedence, was also the person I'd taken to Sadie's the previous year. Aaron's foster dad had informed him that there were some girls waiting for him inside, and he promptly took off after Zane's departing vehicle! Tess's mom has seen all of this and got us caught up on the whole story while we were in pursuit of Zane and his cargo.

Meanwhile, the second vehicle that had arrived while we were waiting for Aaron was close behind us. We both pulled up to Zane's house at the same time and raced to the front door. I don't think I'll ever forget the expresion Zane had when he answered the door and said, "Both of you?!" I think he found it a bit overwhelmingly hillarious... After he got over the initial shock of having two girls on his porch demanding to know where another guy was, he told us that Aaron was at Ryan's house.

Well, I knew where Ryan lived, but me being who I am, I over thought the whole thing and assumed it was some kind of trick. It just so happened that Ryan's family was getting ready to move. Earlier that day, I'd had a conversation with someone else who tried to describe to me where they were moving. I thought for sure this was a trick and Ryan was taking Aaron off to the new house. Well, it turned out that I was wrong. Not only did he not take Aaron to the other house, but the house that I thought Ryan was moving to was occupied by some one else. Oops.
At that point, I didn't see how I could catch him. The other girl had a considerable head start. After I got home, I called Ryan to confirm the bad news. The first thing he said was, "Where are you?" I asked what had happened, and he said that Aaron had escaped out a bedroom window. Zane had picked him up, driven for a little and then dropped Aaron off somewhere in the dark. As far as he knew, Aaron had not been tagged by the other girl. There was still hope!

Somehow, we convinced Tess's mom to take us back out to see if we could find him. We back tracked to Ryan's house and started driving toward Aaron's house. It was not too long before we saw something strange in the dark. At first, I thought it was a dog or some other animal. Then, as we got closer, I realized I was seeing Aaron's white t-shirt bouncing along! And my fellow chaser was no where in site! Poor Aaron was getting a little tired of running at this point, and didn't realize who it was that stopped along side him until Tess and I got out of the car. He started running again, but we caught up to him pretty easily. With a little help from Tess, I got him tagged! I think we gave him a ride home then. :)

The next morning, I found out that Zane had led the other girl and her friend on a wild goose chase. Apparently, they didn't realize that Aaron wasn't in the car anymore. I don't think I ever thanked him for keeping them occupied! So that is how I earned my first date with Aaron!

Happy Halloween!

So, I thought that this morning I would spend a little time updating my blog and telling you about the picture of the pumpkins in the title, or whatever that box is called...

We carved pumpkins way too early this year, but there was (I think) a good reason for it. The 16th of October is the day that we found out Renee's heart had stopped beating. It's always good for me to have something to do to remember her on anniversary days like that, so I had decided I wanted to carve a pumpkin for her.

William was very excited about this! He picked what face he wanted from his "Five Little Pumpkins" book.

Leonora seemed excited initially, but got a little bored by the time we got one pumpkin done!

She spent a bit of time collecting leaves instead.

Here we are cleaning out William's pumpkin. The kids did a lot of "ewww"ing at the goo from inside. Aaron has a strong dislike for this part of pumpkin carving, so he was the official photographer. I guess he wanted to be included in the picture though, so there's his foot.

Leonora completely missed the carving of her pumpkin, but came back to see Renee's white pumpkin hallowed out.

She also helped a little with the candles and clean-up!

And here's the final product! Including my nice shadow! The kids sat out on the porch watching the glowing pumpkins until bedtime.

Unfortunately only Leonora's has made it to halloween. I think I might have accidentally gotten a baking pumpkin instead of a carving pumkin for her. It was really difficult to carve, but has lasted longer.

I don't know why, but blogger isn't cooperating very well for the last post I did. It won't put space between some of the paragraphs. I've tried to edit it several times and it just isn't coming out the way I want it to. Frustrating.

Things to remember

This was a q&a, and I had wanted to post it for Renee's birthday, but I'm going to post it now.

Heidi asked what I want to remember about Renee. Sometimes it's hard to be grateful for the time we had with her, knowing that we have and will continue to miss out on so much. But there are things that I want to remember. I guess I will start at the beginning.

I remember how happy Aaron and I both were when we found out that I was pregnant. Aaron's reaction is usually a calm sort of "okay." He doesn't usually get all that excited about a possitive pregnancy test. When I told him it was possitive that time, he got a big grin and got almost a little silly! It was one of those really happy moments.

We both felt really good about having another baby. I can't say that there were no struggles during that time, but overall, it was a good time for our family. There were moments that I worried a little about the baby, but they never lasted long. In retrospect, they all make sense with what was going on with her, but I was happy just to be having a baby, and everything was easy enough to pass off as normal. I was really laid back and just enjoyed the pregnancy. I began feeling her earlier than I had with my others. I'm not sure exactly when, but I think probably somewhere in the 12-15 week range. That's something I wish I had recorded/remembered.

Shortly after we found out that she was having problems, I had a dream about her. It's the only dream I've had about her. I wish I could remember her face more clearly. I imagine that it's what she would have looked like. I do remember her eyes though. They were dark and smiling. She was happy in my dream.

When she was born, she was very small, but very well developed. Her body was swollen because her kidneys had stopped working to expell fluids from her body. There were very few parts of her body that looked the way they should have. But she was all there. Ten fingers, ten toes, as they say. Actually her fingers and toes are some of the most memorable, because they were some of the least swollen. I remember the palm of her hand covered the tip of my index finger. I loved the way her fingers curled down around the tip of my finger. I wish I had a picture or something of her hands, but somehow they got left out. They tried to do hand prints, but she was very delicate and they were only able to get prints of her feet. The hospital gave us a few things in a box for her: a blanket that she had been wrapped in, a card with all her measurments, time of birth, foot prints, and picture of her foot, a little hat that although would be far too small for a full term baby, was huge on her, and a few other things. These objects that she had contact with have been very comforting at times when I want to remember her physical presence.

Renee's memory box and card

I remember the presence I felt during my pregnancy, and the confirmations I've recieved that she will be reunited with our family again someday. She has a strong spirit, and I know she's doing what she needs to. I feel blessed and honored to have her as my daughter and am only sad for the time I haven't gotten to spend with her.

Ultrasound

Yesterday I had what should be my last ultrasound for this pregnancy. This was the follow up ultrasound from the last one to make sure that there wasn't anymore "bright bowel," and everything looks good! We also decided to go ahead and find out the gender, and it's a boy! Yay for boys! :) I had kind of hoped for another girl, but William is quite satisfied. He's been sure for a while that it would be a boy. Aaron and Leonora kept their opinions to themselves! Anyway, here are some pictures! They aren't the greatest quality since I don't have a scanner. These are all pictures of pictures, but hopefully you get the idea!

Look, he's saying hi! Or maybe he's saying, "Stop bugging me!"


Profile
vertical 3-d profile. He's got his left hand up in a salute.
Nice straight foot and leg! We like straight feet after everything with William's clubbed feet.

Happy Birthday Renee

Saturday was Renee's birthday. Things have been really crazy around here lately with dentists, doctors, etc. I intended to post something special on her birthday, but just didn't get a chance last week. Unfortunately, I don't have the time right now either! I've got a midwife appointment and an ultrasound today. But I thought I should at least post something brief about her birthday. We went to the gravesite and talked about her and then had cake and ice cream at my parent's house. I'll post more with pictures later!

Second-hand smoke

My whole apartment smells like cigarette smoke. It started in the bathroom of all places. The bathroom is right in the middle of the apartment and has no windows or doors to the outside. I first noticed it Friday night. I closed the door and left the vent on overnight in hopes it would be better in the morning. Nope. If anything, it was worse. Then I found out that the vent doesn't even go outside. It's re-circulating, so it just blew the air back into the room. Tell me, what is the point of these kind of vents? Can that even be called a vent? I went to my parents house for most of the day yesterday. Someone told me that vinager will get the smell out, so I left a bowl of vinager in the bathroom and once more closed the door. When I got home, it smelled like smoke and vinager, and the rest of my apartment was beginning to smell like an old hotel room. It's just been getting worse. The people who live below me are smokers, so I can only assume it's coming from them, but I don't know how it's getting into my home! I haven't had doors or windows open. It's aweful. I really need to move.

Q&A from Heidi

Q: What kind of advice would you give to those around you trying to comfort you?

A: This is a hard question to answer, but also an important one. What makes it difficult to answer is that at different times, I've needed different things, and it's difficult to predict what I will need in the future.

When we lost Renee, the social worker at the hospital recommended a book to us called Tear Soup. Since then, I've recommended it to several people. I really love this book, and think everyone should read it. It talks about grief in simple and general terms that are easy to understand even for a child. It's also short, so it's easy to get through even for those who aren't the best of readers. And it has pictures!

It's a richly illustrated story about Grandy. Grandy has suffered a loss. Her loss is never described, but it really doesn't matter, because every loss is significant to the one who experiences it. Grandy's grief is compared to making soup. This soup is mostly comprised of her tears. There's a page that shows different friends showing up to "help" Grandy. And another where a friend calls to tell Grandy about her terrible experience. While her friends certainly care about her, and are doing their best to help, what Grandy really needs is her one friend who will sit and listen to Grandy. This one friend is named Midge. Midge listens to Grandy and eats her soup with her. She also helps get Grandy out of the house, but doesn't expect her to get over her loss. She allows Grandy to have her experience and simply supports her through her loss. Midge is the friend that every grieving person needs. At the end of the book, there are lists of things to do if you are the "cook" or a friend of the cook, a child or a male chef. I found these lists online at this site. Here is the one for friends:

If your friend is the one who is making tear soup

~Be there for your friend, even when you don't understand.
~Be a source of comfort by listening, laughing, and crying.
~Stick close to your friend and defend their right to grieve.
~Allow your friend to make mistakes... or at least to grieve differently from the way you would grieve.
~Send flowers. Send money if you know this would help.
~Send cards. The message doesn't need to be long. Just let them know you haven't forgotten them. Send one every few weeks for a while.
~Call your friend. Don't worry about being a bother. Let your friend tell you if they don't want to talk about their loss right now.
~Answering machines and e-mail are great ways to keep in touch, allowing the bereaved person to respond only when they feel up to it.
~Try to anticipate what your friend may need. Bereaved persons sometimes don't know what to ask for.
~Avoid offering easy answers and platitudes. This only invalidates the grief. Be patient. Don't try to rush your friend through their grief.
~Give your friend permission to grieve in front of you. Don't change the subject or tell them not to cry or act uncomfortable when they do cry.
~Ask them questions. But don't tell them how they should feel.
~Invite your friend to attend events together, as you normally would. Let them decide if they don't want to attend.
~Don't assume because your friend is having a good day that it means they are over their loss.
~Be mindful of holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.

All these things have been helpful to me at some point, and I think they are good general rules to follow. Although my pot of soup has gotten closer to being done, I still have a lot of things to get through. I think the thing that helps me best is when people don't assume I am done grieving. Or tell me that I should be. I don't expect people to understand what I continue to experience, but I like to know that people want to understand. I think sometimes people are afraid to ask questions. They are afraid it will be hurtful to remember, but what I've needed is for Renee to be remembered. I have very little proof of her existance here, so it's very important for me to know that someone else does remember her.

Thank You to those who have been brave enough to ask. It has helped me more than you could know!

The next Karate Kid?

I am being kicked rather violently from the inside. I'm not sure what I did to deserve this, but I have a feeling it will be going on a lot over the next 3+ months.

Q&A: Kris's Question

Aaron's aunt Kris (aka "the Clayton Clan") asked this question:

Q: Have you given any thought to the fact that of the two babies that have died in our family (Lund) that they were both in Wayne's family?

A: So, this is an interesting question for me! For those who don't know, Aaron's parents also lost a baby. He would be about a year younger than Aaron and was about the same gestational age as Renee. His name is Nathen. Aaron's mom Jenny had had a lot of bleeding during her pregnancy. I think it was from placental abruption. My understanding is that she was at a lot of risk because of the bleeding, which is why they allowed her to go into labor. Nathen was born live. I asked Aaron and he thought he continued breathing for about 15 minutes. At the time of Renee's birth/death, we did talk with Wayne and Jenny quite a bit about similarities and differences between our two experiences. The timing was almost exactly the same, but the causes were very different. While Jenny's pregnancy had been very difficult and dangerous for her, mine had been one of the least eventful. I had no symptoms of anything being wrong other than measuring a little off. Nathen had no genetic problems. He was born perfect, just too young to survive. Renee had a lot of physical problems which caused her to look different than a normal, healthy baby. Not like she had a third arm or anything, but she was very swollen.

I'm not really sure why it happened the way it did. Maybe it's just conicidence that we both had similar experiences. Or maybe it happened this way so we could empathize with each other. Maybe someone is supposed to learn something. Maybe we're all supposed to learn something different. I've learned we each deal with our own losses very differently. Aaron and I cope differently, as have Wayne and Jenny. Although they cannot make our loss easier, it is nice to know we aren't the only ones who have had to go through this.

Chinese!

One of the things I miss about living in Seattle is the abundance of Asian food. There are a couple Chinese places around here. They are okay, but not really great. There was this amazing place near our last apartment in the Seattle area. I think it was The Golden Dragon or something like that. Anyway, they had the most amazing lemon chicken! And fabulous fried rice and crab rangoons! I really wish I had the recipe for thier lemon sauce. I've never had anything quite like it before or since. It's by far my favorite Chinese dish. No other lemon chicken lives up to it.

While living around such fine Asian food, I learned how to make my own at home. No, it's not that fabulous lemon chicken, it's just regular sweet and sour, but I could make basically the same stuff that every Chinese restaurant makes for a fraction of the price at home. I used to make plain old steamed rice to go with it, but have had a craving for fried rice, so last night, I made sweet and sour chicken and ham fried rice. I meant to take a picture of everyting before we ate it all, but I forgot. Sorry about that. But here's the last of the fried rice.

Ham Fried rice

2 tablespoon vegetable oil

3 cups prepared rice

1 cup cut up ham

2 tablespoons sliced green onion

1 medium carrot, chopped

2 large eggs slightly beaten

3 tablespoons soy sauce

Heat 1 tablespoon oil in 10 inch skillet over medium heat. Cook rice, ham, and vegetables for about 5 minutes, stirring and breaking up rice, until hot. Push rice to side of skillet. Add 1 tablespoon oil to other side. Cook eggs in oil over medium heat, stirring constantly, until eggs are thickened throughout but still moist. Stir eggs into rice mixture. Stir in soy sauce.

The recipe I based mine on also calls for white pepper, but I don't have any, so I always just add a little black pepper. When I have them on hand, I also use peas, peppers, and any other veggies that sound good to me at the time.

As for the sweet and sour, I've found the secret is Tempura batter.

I just followed the directions on the box and it comes out looking basically like this:

The other secret is finding a good sauce. If anyone has a really good recipe for sweet and sour sauce, I'd love to try it. The recipes I've tried never come out the way I like, so we buy it from the store. This is my favorite:

Now I need to learn how to make crab rangoons. Yummy!

25 Weeks

I haven't been very consistant about "belly" pictures, but here's one for you!

Something fun

This is Leonora's Halloween costume. Do you know who she is?

Q&A: a couple of Saskia's questions

Q: What was your first reaction when you found out what happened, did you blame yourself?

A: When we had the first ultrasound, my reaction was a combination of shock and dread, and a need to find out anything I could about my baby's condition. I cried a lot. I had some hope that something could be done for her. I wanted everything to be okay. Renee had what's called Cystic Hygroma. Basically a cyst at the back of her head/neck. This, and that she might have Turner's Syndrom was all the information that we got at the ultrasound. Cysts appear and disappear on baby's heads all the time without any serious consequences, and some Turner's baby's do survive. So I was hopeful. I was able to get a copy of the ultrasound report, and my midwife helped me understand what it was saying. After reading the report, it was a lot more difficult to be hopeful. What I found out was that she also had Hydrops-basically she was retaining water- and very low amniotic fluid. This combination was a sign that her body was shutting down. Her kidneys were not working right, and there were likely to be other issues as well. Even knowing this before hand, it was extremely difficult to hear from the doctor at our next ultrasound that there was no possibility of survival. No one wants to hear that, even if they expect to hear bad news. I cried a lot, prayed a lot, and tried to find out what our options were. It was heartbreaking.

It was about a month after her birth that we found out for certain that it was Turner's Syndrom that had caused her problems. It was the result that we expected. Everything had pointed to Turner's. I still cried. Maybe I was lucky in some ways. Since I know what caused her death, it's much easier not to wonder if there was anything I did to cause it, or anything I should have done to prevent it. Turner's is a random genetic mutation. There's nothing we could have done to cause or prevent it. During some of his particularly depressed times, Aaron has blamed himself, saying that he didn't deserve her, and that's why it happened. I personally don't feel that God works that way. Bad things can happen to good people, and good things can happen to bad people. I've never been into finding someone or something to blame. This is just the way it is. I hope someday to have a clearer understanding of why this happened, what purpose it served, and what I'm supposed to get out of it, but don't feel the need to blame myself or anyone else.

Q&A

I originally got the idea for a Q&A when Heidi emailed me with a question, so I'm going to start with her's. I realized how much easier it is to talk about when I have a specific question, so here it is! Thanks to those who sent questions, please send more! :)

Q: How does it feel to be pregnant again after losing Renee?

A: I've actually had two losses. The first was earlier on. It was my first pregnancy, and I really didn't know what to expect from pregnancy, let alone losing one. I was about 8 weeks when we had that ultrasound which showed no heartbeat. It showed the baby had stopped growing around 5 weeks-barely into pregnancy. Anyway, it was something that was difficult for me. I didn't have anyone that I really felt like I could talk to about it, which is something that probably would have helped a lot. Since it was my first experience with "labor," one of the biggest effects it had on me was being afraid of how actual labor would be. Up until William's birth, I could vividly recall the pain from my miscarriage. I got pregnant with William six months later, and by that time was feeling pretty good about things. I wasn't worried about complications, other than the fear of labor. Somehow, I managed to go through with an unmedicated labor anyway, and when I held William for the first time, I felt completely healed. Those wonderful hormones that erase our memories of childbirth also took away all the pain I had experienced with my miscarraige. I've wondered if William and my first pregnancy were the same spirit. I've never had what I'd consider confirmation of this, but I have thought that maybe it was him.

I feel like Renee's loss has been very different. Before her birth, I remember praying, asking why-a dangerous question, I know, but I was really, just trying to find some purpose in this tragic event. I got my answer. I felt very strongly at the time (and still do) that Renee just needed a body, and that the one she had would serve that purpose. I've had a few people who have suggested that her spirit may come in another body, but I just don't feel that this is the case with her. That body was sufficiant for her. This is something that's bittersweet to me. On one hand, I feel like she is my child and is sealed to me. On the other, it's heartbreaking to know that I will not have the opportunity to see her in this life.

The first time, I was disappointed and sad about losing my pregnancy. With Renee, I feel like I've lost a child. Her loss has made this pregnancy more frightening for me. A lot of people adivise to get pregnant as soon as you can after a loss. They say it helps to heal or something. That was true with my first experience, but has not been this time. Although, I think everything will turn out okay, I have had more than one moment where I've been afraid of losing this baby as well. In the past, I've said, "no thanks" to any genetic testing. I just didn't see any purpose in it. This time, I've felt like I needed some reassurance. I think I would have been going completely crazy if I hadn't already had a few ultrasounds that have shown a healthy baby.

Just as each pregnancy and baby are unique, each loss is also.

An Invitation

So, that last post is a bit depressing, or depressed at least. We've had a lot of that going around our house lately. It's been a difficult time, but it hasn't all been bad. I think I'm going to be posting a lot about this over the next month or more, and hopefully, it won't all be horribly depressing! I'm hoping that by posting about Renee a little more often, I won't have that build up of emotions that was let loose in the last post. And I'm going to need your help! I'd like to do a sort of Q&A for Renee. I feel a bit at a loss as to how to begin to talk about her, and I think I've put it off for too long, so I need your help! I'm inviting you all to ask me anything. You can ask anything from how it's affecting me, to how she looked. You can post your questions as comments or send them to me in an email.

Thank you in advance! I appriciate your help.

Remembering

Once again I find myself feeling like a bad blogger! In case you haven't noticed, I haven't been posting terribly often. Although, I have to remind myself, it's still been much more often than when I first started! Ha, ha! I'm not a complete blogging failure! :) But I have slowed down a bit lately. The reason is not for lack of material. My kids still do silly, cute, or brag-able things, I really need to finish mine and Aaron's story, Andrea tagged me, and if all else failed, I could complain about housework! Not that the last one would be exciting, but at least I would be posting. The truth is, there's only one thing I want to post about. I've been wanting to post about it for a while, but have a hard time sitting down and doing it. It's not happy or fun like all the other things I could be posting about. But it is important. I feel the need to write it down, to process, and discuss.

It's been almost a year since we went in for Renee's first ultrasound. October 1st will mark one year since we found out that something was wrong. The following week was spent reading articles online and comparing them with the ultrasound report. On October 7th, we had another ultrasound that confirmed our baby would not live long regardless of any choices we made. We spent a little over a week trying to make some kind of decision about whether to wait until her heart stopped beating on it's own, or to induce labor while she was still alive. Sometime between that second ultrasound and the third, that choice was taken out of our hands. By the 16th, her heart had stopped beating. Then it was only a choice to wait and see if my body went into labor in the next couple of weeks, or to induce. I had had no signs or symptoms of labor, and waiting longer could have had negetive effects on my health, not to mention the emotional pain of carrying a child I knew was no longer living. We decided sooner was better, and scheduled the induction for the next day. She was born on the afternoon of October 18th.

Every child has firsts. Baby's first smile, word, tooth, step. Baby's first holiday's, and of course, first birthday. We have no way of knowing when Renee would have cut her first tooth, or said her first word, but every holiday and family event reminds us of the daughter who isn't there. Being pregnant has been hard for this reason. Every kick I feel, or ache or pain, and my growing belly, have been reminders of my last pregnancy. I'm now in my 22+ weeks pregnant-exactly how far I got into Renee's pregnancy. The last couple of weeks have been especially difficult emotionally. While I am glad to say that so far, things seem to be going well with this baby, every symptom I feel is a reminder of my last pregnancy and how abruptly it ended. It is difficult to celebrate when I feel I am still mourning Renee's loss.

As people begin to notice my pregnancy more, I am continually hearing this baby refered to as our third. I find myself saying the same words, for the sake of simplicity, and feeling horrible for it. You see, I already have three children. Two of them live with me, and one with God.

I need to remember her. And I need her to be remembered.

What is that anyway?

When my mom was in college, she got this recipe from one of her roommates. I've never come across anything quite like it. It's like pie that thinks it's cake! In any case, it's yummy! So I thought I'd share with you-or at least the recipe! ;)

Kristada

1/2 lb butter or margrine
1 1/2 C sugar
4 eggs
3 C flour
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 cans pie filling (I usually use cherry, but you could do anything you like)

Cream butter and sugar. Add eggs one at a time. Add vanilla. Mix in flour. Dough will be sticky. Grease a baking sheet and spread about 2/3 of the dough on the pan. Pour pie filling onto dough. (If it looks like too much, you don't have to use all of both cans.) Spoon remaining dough onto filling. Try to spread it a little so it's not just blobs, but it you should still see plenty of pie filling.
Bake @ 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes.

Enjoy!

Update

Wow, I didn't realize how long it had been since I posted! So here's a brief update on the last week.
Aaron auditioned for The Pirates of Penzance at the college here. He got the part of a policeman, but we still don't know how this will work with his work schedule. He's always wanted to perform. It's one of his dreams in life, so he'll be sad if he doesn't get to participate. We'll see how it works out.
I've been getting bigger! I keep meaning to have Aaron take a picture... I'm also feeling the baby move a lot more! No one else has been able to feel it yet, but I don't think it will be long!
I injured myself last Thursday. Years ago, I hurt my knee and it occasionally comes back to haunt me. It's been awhile since it last happened, so I guess I was due for a knee injury. I've been trying to stay off it, which means my house is a disaster!

Anyway, I think that's about it!

Busy Weekend

We had a lot going on this weekend. Thursday night we had a small family birthday party for William, who turned 5 on Friday! Friday morning, Aaron and I dropped the kids off at Grandma and Grandpa's house and headed north for Salt Lake City. Aaron had two brothers who got married in August. One was married in Ohio and one in New York. Unfortunately, we were not able to go to either wedding, but they decided to have a joint reception in Salt Lake since most of thier family lives out West. They also had a cousin who decided to join in the fun and got married in Provo on Friday! So we made it to Provo in time to relax a little before their cousin's reception that evening.
Saturday morning, we were able to spend some time with my sister. It was really nice to see her. Neither of us travels much. I think the last I saw her was Christmas. I wish I had remembered my camera. I could show you a picture of my cute sister! Oh well.
Saturday evening was the joint reception. It was lovely! It was held at the home of one bride's Grandfather. We used his lovely back yard. Someday I'll have a lovely back yard... There were some fun moments-after feeding their brides, the grooms fed each other cake, and the brides seemed to think they couldn't throw their bouquets far enough. I was able to finally meet more of Aaron's family (he's got quite a lot) and a few of thier friends. We occasionally wished we had the kids to show off, but it was much more relaxing to visit and show a couple pictures on our phones! It was also really nice to get to know the brides. They are both wonderful in different ways and seem perfect for their respective husbands. I look forward to seeing them again.
After a really late night, Aaron and I decided to turn off the alarm on his phone and just see when we woke up. Well, my empty stomach woke us up at 9, so we got up and hurried off to have a quick breakfast with his family. We went to sacrament meeting at his aunt's ward in Provo and spent some more time visiting with family before heading back home. Aaron had to work Monday, so we headed home Sunday afternoon. It was pretty late by the time we got home. The events of the weekend kept us pretty busy, so there really wasn't much down time, but we were glad that we were able to go. Maybe sometime we'll get a vaccation! :)

William's blocks

William has these Duplo blocks that he got one year for his birthday. He makes all kinds of creative things with them. He's made Thomas the train, other un-named trains, animals-his favorite to make is a giraffe, and other things that he would have to explain to you since I don't really understand their functions. I wish I had captured some of his more imaginative creations, but I'm sure there will be more opportunities. For now, here are some of his recent works.



Can you tell what it is? I'll give you a clue: he's obsessed with a certain "Man of Steel." There were several incarnations of this character during the course of a couple days. He happened to build it right where our hallway meets our living room, so it kept getting kicked.

Here's what he did today.


These may be a little harder to figure out, but stems from another of William's current obsesions. Words. He has been playing games from the PBS show, "Word World," online and loves to "build" words. I didn't ask what this word is, but I think it is also related to Superman. He asked if "Krypton" started with a big "K" or a little "k" this morning, so I suspect that is what he was trying to spell.

Edit: William saw my post and said it's the word "Kryptonite," which would explain the "i," "t" at the end.

Pregnancy Update

I had another midwife appointment yesterday! There's not too much to report, but everything seems to be going well. We listened to the heartbeat for a while. Leonora got to push the power button on the doppler. The baby kept moving around and even kicked the doppler a couple times! I've been feeling the baby move a lot more often lately. That has been nice-although, I'm hopeing that this one doesn't kick me in the ribs like William did toward the end! That was not so nice. I've gained a little more weight than I would like, but not bad. I'm trying to keep that under control since I was still overweight when I got pregnant. I've gained about half the weight I'd like and I'm not quite halfway through. So I'm slightly ahead of schedule. I think my only hope is not to go two weeks overdue this time! I am also measuring right where I should be as far as the baby's size, so things are looking good!

Okay, I think I'm done rambling! :)

One more...

Here's one other thing that I did in those couple days that I didn't work on Leonora's dress.



It's a burp cloth. I made it from some flanel scraps that I had and a flat terry cloth diaper. It's loosely based on this one that was given to me by my relief society when Leonora was born. They are nice and big! Mine ended up being slightly longer, but about the same width.



First, I sewed the two pieces together. Nothing fancy, just a straight stitch to hold it in place while I crocheted.


Then I crocheted around the edge! It's functional and pretty! :)

Another sewing project

I made a dress for Leonora. I've been working on it for about a week and a half. It's a little more complicated than things I've made before, and once again, I had no supervision. Anyway, I found this pattern in a bunch that my mom has. It's an older one, and I have to wonder if it's something my grandma bought. It's been used before, and was missing pretty much all the peices besides the ones I used, but those are what I wanted anyway, so it worked out.

Cute pattern, huh? Here are some pictures of the project in progress. I think I stopped here for a couple days, because I realized I don't have a zipper foot. I was trying to figure out how to sew a zipper without one. In the meantime, I took some pictures! Here's the front of the dress.

And here's the back.

Here's the zipper. Pins are my friend-most of the time... It looks much prettier pinned on than the finished product. It took me a couple tries. Oh, well. I dont' think I'll be doing anymore zippers without the propper foot.

And here's the finished product! Leonora was happy to finally have her dress. She had been watching me make it.

Once again, a far from perfect, but I'm learning! And Leonora likes it!

Getting closer to that 100%

Well, I was finally able to talk to the genetic couselor today and got good news! I don't have the CF gene and the risk of Downs is very low! There is still a possiblility of some kind of blockage, so we will still get the ultrasound in October, but this rules out the most likely of complications. Yay! Hopefully the ultrasound will bring similar results!

Announcing...

I've been putting off making this announcement for a while, but have decided it's time. Yes, it's true, I'm pregnant. The baby is due mid-January, which puts me at about 17 weeks.

I wanted to wait until I was 100% sure of everything being okay with the baby before announcing things. We've done more testing this time than with any of our other pregnancies. We have been hoping for reassurance. It's hard not to worry about something being wrong, even though we are not at any higher risk because of Renee's issues. Most of our ultra sounds and other testing have been reassuring. The most recent one was a little less so.

We had an ultrasound Monday that showed something called "bright bowel." Most of the time, it is nothing and goes away on it's own. However, there is a risk of there being something seriously wrong. It could be Cystic Fibrosis, Downs Syndrom, or some other blockage in the baby's bowels.

The doctor says we are "90% in the clear," so we are hopeful that we fall into the nothing catagory, but are getting some extra testing in case we don't. I got a blood draw to check for CF and Downs. If I carry the gene for CF, then Aaron will be tested as well. Both parents have to have the gene in order for the child to have it. We will also have another ultra sound in October to see if it has gone away on it's own. I'll be 27 weeks at that appointment. Hopefully then our 90% will move up to the 100% that we want.

Sick

Hmm... blogger doesn't like me today. They couldn't "proccess that request" to publish my post, so I'm writing this for the second time. It's really too bad. It was almost a clever post, but it probably won't be now.

Anyway, I'm sick. I don't like being sick. I think it's a sinus thing. Ugh. I hate being sick.

Everyone feel sorry for me for a minute...

...

...

Okay, you can stop now. Resume your normal activities.

Thanks.

Look what I made!

This is the first thing I've made without any supervision! :) It's a wrap skirt. I found some tutorials online for making one without a pattern and used some fabric that's been sitting in storage in my mom's basement. If you saw it up close, it would be obvious that an amature made it, but overall, I think it turned out pretty good!

Leonora counts

Okay, she's not the most accurate counter ever, but it's cute! For some reason, she never remembers 5. 1 and 10 are hit and miss.

Penelope

Last night Aaron and I watched the movie Penelope. It was a cute fun movie. It won't go down in history for any special achievements or anything, but it was a cute story. This is how I felt about it most of the way through the movie. The end seemed more special though. I realized that it wasn't just a cute love story about a girl with a funny face. It's about learning to love yourself-regardless of what anyone else thinks or says. It's about makeing choices, facing your fears, and believing in yourself.

Today, tabloids flaunt pictures of skinny girls, and sometimes in the same issue critisize various women for being too fat and others for being too skinny. Women are made fun of for imperfections in thier appearence, but if a well known woman feels bad enough about her appearence to go through cosmetic surgery, or looses excess weight, that is splashed across newsstands as well. Nothing seems to escape thier scrutiny.

In todays world, I think we need tales like Penelope to remind us that we all have our own natural beauty. We all have our own natural strengths. Our features are part of who we are-regardless of how we came by them. When we learn to love ourselves with all the imperfections we have, we are freed from society's judgements. We don't need to change who we are to look nice.

I can't say that I am perfect at this. I often critisize my own looks. Some of these things-like being more in shape-are things I can and should change, while other's are things I just need to accept. I am so grateful for a husband who thinks I'm beautiful despite my flaws! I hope I can teach my kids to love themselves and others for who they are-inside and out.

Memories

Okay, I've had a few friends post this on thier blogs, and thought it might be fun!

1. As you comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember.

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you. If you don't want to play on your blog, or if you don't have a blog, I'll leave my memory of you in my comments.

I guess she does listen

Today I was watching Leonora play in her play kitchen. She was opening and closing the doors of her "oven" and "dishwasher," putting things in and out, and talking to herself. Then she turned around to me and said, "It's hot!" Ha, ha, I'm always worried about her walking into the kitchen when I've got the oven open or reaching up when the stove is hot. It's nice to know she's listening, and fun to see her imitate me.

The Desert is Alive...

We got some free tickets to see The Sound of Music this week. It's being performed at a local outdoor ampitheater. The usually have good productions there. Last year we were able to see My Fair Lady, which was fantastic! So we were excited to get use these tickets.
When going into a play that you are familiar with, it's always difficult to view it in the same way you would a play you've never seen. It's natural (at least, for me) to compare this "new" version with the familiar one. Hopefully, there is something new and fresh that each actor can bring to thier part and directors and designers can bring to the stage. I felt that this production had a good start on this from the moment Maria came out singing in her hills. She brought something unique and interesting to the roll. She gave a fantastic performance, and with only a couple of exceptions, forgot that I had ever seen Julie Andrews performance. Her counterpart unfortunatly, just didn't live up to that standard. Rather than an honest performance, it felt "put on" and over acted. That was disappointing. But, it was one of the few disapointments. The Baroness, who is briefly engaged to Captain Von Trapp, did a wonderful job! She was so funny and spunky! The children all did a great job. The youngest, Gretl, was especially fun to watch. She also happened to be the daughter of our previous Bishop, but I think I would have enjoyed her portrayal either way! :)
The music was fun as always, and I got to hear a couple songs that aren't in the movie-or at least not in thier entirety. The orchestra here is not always top notch, and can be disappointing for someone (like Aaron) who listens to a lot of top notch stuff. But it was good enough. They didn't distract from the voices onstage, and there were no really terrible moments-just no really great ones. The singing was at moments heavenly. The nuns choruses were flawless. They harmonized perfectly! Maria was no disappointment in this area either. She had a lovely voice and used it well. However, the Captain was once again disappointing. At parts he was good, but not great. At other times, he was obviously struggling. The children were good. Occasionally the complex harmonies got the better of them, but on the whole, they were very good.
For me, the acting and music in this play are probably the most important aspects, but there were a couple other moments that I felt really made this experience unique. The first was just fun! In the movie, there is a scene where the children and Maria put on a puppet show. I knew that this scene was added for the movie, and didn't know how they would pull it off in a live performance, so I assumed it would be left out. Luckily for us, it was not! But instead of puppets, we saw live dancers on the ends of strings! I chuckled when the first human puppet appeared, and continued to be delighted by the dancers' bobbing heads and whimsical movements. It was so much fun to watch! The second moment was toward the end of the play when the family sings at the music festival. It was something I don't recall experienceing at any other play. We became not only veiwers of the play, but players. Not that it was a difficult part to play-we played the audience of the music festival. We aplauded each song and while they sang "Edelweiss," Maria looked into the audience and requested that we all sing along. I felt like we were all singing our farwell to the Von Trapps and sharing in the love of thier homeland. It was amazing to be included as part of the performance. It was a moment that I felt truly a part of what was happening on the stage.
I enjoy good theater so much! It was wonderful to be able to see this performance. Although it was imperfect, it had many fun and touching moments. I know I've already said a lot about it, but I feel like I could go on! It was certainly a worthwhile evening.

Hurry! Nevermind.

Leonora has been potty training, and doing pretty well. Since I've started only putting "big girl panties" on her during the day, she has learned that a really effective way of getting my attention is to tell me she needs to use the bathroom. "Ah pee! Ah pee!" she'll say in a very urgent voice. Then as I hurry her off to the bathroom, she'll stroll right past the door and head for the bedroom. "Leonora, do you need to pee?" I'll ask. "No." Of course not, Mom, why would you ask me that? Of course, as soon as I go back to what I was doing, she begins her urgent call once more. Eventually I get her to actually sit on the toilet.
The other thing she has learned is that she gets an M&M when she goes to the bathroom. For some reason, she never changes her mind about that part.

The Cut

Sorry to anyone who didn't get to vote, but I did it! Yesterday, I got impatient and chopped Leonora's hair off. I did it myself, so there are still a few strands that didn't quite make it to the right length, but hey, it was free. And I think it turned out pretty good. It's hard to get a good picture of her. She likes to move, and my camera doesn't agree with things that move. But here's what I've got!